Crazy Joy

4 months for her, 31 years for me

2012-01-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

Well, today is my 31st birthday. Strangely a bit harder to swallow then 30. Though last year any birthday stress was greatly overshadowed by my joy from finding out a few weeks prior that I was pregnant with my first baby!! I remember being quite sick and at the same time amazed that our little one was only the size of a poppyseed. How far we've come! In 2 days she'll be 4 months old. Wow. My Selah girl is just so amazing, and is growing into the most beautiful little lady. She truly is a complete joy. I have been forever changed by this past year. And though I'm now officially "in my thirties," (and in a different, more tired body!), I'm humbled and grateful to have experienced another year of life. God is so good, and I am so thankful. 30 was truly an adventure, and I'm excited to see what this new year beholds. In the meantime, here are some pics of our sweet girl. I just love her so much.

My First Cloth Diaper Post!!

2011-12-07T21:38:00.002-05:00

I am so excited about this post. It is my first, but will certainly not be my last. To be honest with you, I'm amazed and delighted at how much I am enjoying and having fun with cloth diapers. Who would have thought! I strongly disliked always prefacing during pregnancy that I was going to try, but knew it might not work out. I wanted to be truly committed from the beginning. And I've quickly learned about parenting - a lot of it is definitely making choices for your family, and sticking with it. Then being flexible when something's not working. Raising kids is so personal and different for everyone, and I think that's what makes it fun - especially when we support and share with each other what's working and what's not. Anyway...

First, here are pics of everything I started with. I also had another pack of g diaper disposable inserts, but I took these pics at 1 month old, after we had gone through a pack and a half of those inserts, using the tiny g diapers and disposable inserts about half the time, and disposable diapers the other half. I wish I would have kept better track of how many disposables we used. We didn't buy any because of what had been gifted to us, but we went through about 4 packages of Pampers newborn swaddlers. We filled up one of those diaper genie type things at least 3 times. Those first days are crazy!!! :)

This is what I started with for my cloth diapering journey.

Newborn G diaper bundle, (gift), plus a pack of 6 cloth inserts (gift card)

This is the tiny G

This is the size small G diaper, with an example of a one disposable insert and one cloth.

Two Best Bottom shells, (one was a gift), and 2 inserts (one small, one medium) to try

You can snap in the inserts and just change them out if the shell doesn't get dirty and can be wiped clean.

Three Tots Bots Easy Fit diapers (My first ones - a gift from my mom at a baby shower - SO exciting!:)

The pocket type insert is attached.

One Bum Genius Elemental All-In-One

7 Indian Unbleached prefolds, because they're cheap and I thought they would be good extra inserts for the G diapers. (They were actually too big - only used these in desperate, diapers in the laundry moments)

Bum Genius Odor Remover to break down stinky bacteria on poo diapers, Thirsties bottom cleaner to use with cloth wipes if we chose, Shake It Up pail freshener by Rockin Green, Grovia Magic Stick - a cloth diaper safe bottom treatment/barrier

A Planetwise Wet/Dry bag (smaller than I thought, but good now for in the diaper bag)

Rockin Green Laundry Detergent

In this post I'm going to do two things; first, explain a couple different diaper options for those who don't know. (Lots of people in my life). Please know that if you don't know anything about, or don't care anything about cloth diapers, this might sound overwhelming and a bit complicated. But it's not, I promise. Secondly, I'm going to talk about what I liked, what I didn't, and how this starting "stash" worked for us in the newborn phase. We went to cloth diapers completely full time at 1 month, when we were better established at home, and I refused to open any more disposables or buy any. (We got over $200 in gift cards by returning some gifted disposable diapers!!) Then I'll touch briefly on what we're doing now and how I like it.

Okay, so the basic different types of diapers I've worked with (keep in mind Selah was 6 lb 14 oz when we brought her home):

*Hybrid diapers/All-in-2 (can be used with cloth or disposable inserts, usually has 2 or 3 parts)

G diapers are an example of this. Some can also be called "All-in-twos" because you snap in an insert and can often just change it out if the shell doesn't get dirty -

This was a regular size small G diaper at a little less than one month - I don't know if I have a pic of a tiny G - bummer! They were so cute and fit perfectly for a little more than a month. Then they were too small. But definitely an economical way to cloth diaper a newborn. Best Bottoms are also an example of a hybrid diaper, which I couldn't get to fit quite right with the snaps in the beginning because of her bigger belly and tiny legs. We have since gotten one with velcro that I love - more on that later.

*All In One - this means the diaper is all in one piece, you just put it on and take it off, like a disposable diaper. This didn't fit quite right because of her tiny little legs until more like 9 or so pounds. It's also a "one size," which means it's adjustable from birth to potty training, so it saves money though sacrifices a more perfect "sized" fit.

*Pocket diaper - this means you stuff the diaper with some sort of absorbant insert. These are usually a little less expensive than all-in-ones, and the absorbancy can be changed based on your needs. You do have to stuff them out of the laundry though.

The Easy Fits are one kind of an example of this, also they are also an all-in-one, as the pocket is attached, which makes for easy stuffing. This is an awesome diaper for sure, though on the pricier end. When I started I didn't have a traditional pocket diaper, though I do now, so I have some opinions. :)

As far as how it was cloth diapering a brand new baby, mostly with disposable inserts, and 6 cloth inserts - totally doable. Now technically if this were a full time plan would it save money? Not exactly. The g diaper disposable (and cloth!) inserts are pretty pricey, and I won't buy more when those run out, unless we're traveling. G diapers also only come sized, (for a trimmer and cute fit). But this makes them way more expensive. They definitely are cute.

Do I think we would be able to do cloth from the beginning next time? Yes. Only because we won't be first time parents and I'll be use to doing the extra load of laundry every one to two days. (and Kevin will know how to do it ;) We'll also have more to work with. This time, because she went through so many at first, I didn't have enough to give it a try (full time) even with my one size diapers.

At about 1 month old I started really enjoying the g diaper inserts, especially because occasionally we could just change out the cloth insert and only sometimes the plastic part. (With breastfed poo it's often both parts). Then, once I had used them for about a month as our main diaper, mixed in with the 3 Easy Fits, 1 Bum Genius All-In-One, and a Fuzzibunz, they got really annoying to have to "assemble" (snap in the plastic part, stuff in the cloth insert) every time I got them out of the wash. And while it was nice they weren't as bulky as the one size diapers, they also seemed to get smaller faster, because our little girl is long and has a bit of a belly. We also had some leaks. When she was about 2 months old, I ended up getting a few more diapers and put the g diapers away. I might have even liked the g's better and longer if I had more cloth inserts - but I didn't want to spend money on those. So right now I still have just enough diapers to do a load every 24 hrs. or so.

Right now I have 11 pocket or all in one diapers, and 5 hybrid/all in twos, (a few of which I mostly use when we're out and about or doing laundry. I don't have a lot of hybrid inserts, so I don't use these to their full potential right now) To do laundry every 2 or more days I'm thinking it would be ideal to have 20-24 main diapers. I didn't invest in a large amount from the beginning because it's just too much fun to research and buy them one at a time! (For me) And they are always coming out with something in the cloth diaper world. Since I don't plan on making it financially not worth it by buying more than we need just for the fun of it, (though that's tempting!!), I'm taking my time with the budget we will invest in them.

The newborn g diaper bundle was a great buy though, and it was half gifted to me by my mom. It was on sale at diapers.com for $125.00, and I used a promo code to get another $25 off. There were 12 tiny g's and 6 small size g's in there. So $100 for 18 diapers is awesome. (So is a mom who likes gifting things to her new grandbaby!) I also thought I could get more for my money by using prefolds as inserts...that didn't work so well, mostly because I don't like messing with prefolds. (Old fashioned diapers) A LOT of people out there love them with "snappis" and covers because they're so inexpensive. Not so sure how daddy friendly they'd be though!

A cloth diaper averages between $15-$20, which is often the cost of a pack of diapers that you throw away. So if you make sensible choices, it is a huge money saver. Obviously the start up cost is where the bulk of the money goes. There are many great websites that have done awesome cost breakdowns and charts. Since math is not my thing, I'm not interested in doing that. I will point you to those instead!! Softbums has a great little diaper pdf/booklet that shows several charts of different diaper types, cost comparisons and breakdowns for their own as well as other diapers. It's a great resource! Here and here are also great resources for comparisons.

Here are other webistes I also really like and visit often:

Dirty Diaper Laundry (tons of awesome video reviews)

All About Cloth Diapers

Haute Clothed Buns

As far as the laundry, I don't mind it a bit. We often (not always) spray each dirty diaper with the Bum Genius odor remover so it starts breaking down the stinky bacteria. I also have a larger wet bag and an antibacterial pail liner that I put in the Diaper Dekor. We don't have any problems with stink at this point. When I'm ready to wash, I take the pail liner or wet bag that we have filled with the dirty diapers, do a cold rinse, a cold wash w/ two scoops of Rockin Green Hard Rock and an extra rinse, and finally a hot regular wash. (Sometimes I do a cold wash with a scoop of detergent, then a hot wash with a scoop of detergent, then a cold extra rinse.) Then I dry them on extra low. While it is probably better to line dry them, I don't currently have enough diapers (or sunshine!) to wait for them to dry before I need them. But this system is working great. Also, I am sometimes using the g diaper cloth inserts in my other hybrid diapers as back ups when I need them. Because we are breastfeeding we don't yet need a diaper sprayer - but I have enough money left on a Babies R Us gift card that I'm going to use to invest in one of those soon.

So I'll tell you/show you what I have now, and follow this post up with some cloth diaper reviews! Fun! I have read/watched so many diaper reviews on line that I've lost count. It is just so fascinating, (for a new cloth diapering mom anyway:). Kevin's trying to convince me to do a video review of some of them. We'll see. Sounds intimidating.

Here's my current "stash" (that's the term the cloth diaper world uses - I think it's funny):

-3 Bum Genius Elemental All-In-Ones - organic cotton inside (Two I got during the cottonbabies.com seconds sale - cute, trim, and super simple - but they really do take a long time to dry.)

-1 Bum Genius 4.0 pocket diaper artist series - stay-dry micro suede inside (good quality, really durable diaper, pretty trim):

-1 Rumparooz in tulip - stay dry micro chamois inside (GREAT for breastfed babies (internal gussets), soft inside, starts fitting when they're tiny, fastest for me to put on, never leaks, great colors; they are a bit bulky):

-1 Fuzzibunz Elite in tootie frootie - stay dry micro fleece inside (Trim and cute - love the minky instead of microfiber insert, but it's so trim that it can be difficult/annoying to stuff):

-3 Tots Bots Easy Fit - bamboo inside (easy to use, great fit, well made, soft bamboo inside, trim):

- 2 Little Bee Diaper Co. pocket diapers - bamboo or micro suede inside (Awesome christian company and mission, and these never leak!)

-1 Softbums in pink giraffe - stay dry micro fleece insert (an all in 2 - this is super soft, has a great sizing mechanism and is a neat diaper!):

-3 Best Bottom shells - stay dry micro fleece insert (2 snaps, 1 (strong!) velcro; 3 snap-in inserts - never leaks, great gussets!)

(I call this her soccer player diaper :)

-1 Grovia shell (30% off discontinued cosmos color) (no grovia inserts - cute and trim diaper):

(This has a flip insert in it, which makes it not so trim!)

-6 g diaper cloth inserts (babies r us gift card)

-3 flip inserts (to use as inexpensive extra inserts in the Grovia and Best Bottoms)

Oh, and we do use disposable wipes. The cloth wipes were a little weird for Kevin and a little annoying for how many diapers we're currently changing. I tried to make my own out of paper towels, but that was a serious fail. I do prefer the chlorine free Seventh Generation or Earth's Best (my favorite).

I keep wanting to decide on a favorite diaper, (which is also why I didn't want to buy all of one kind), but there is seriously something I love and often something I might change about each diaper. They all seem to have their strengths and weaknesses. Though at this stage of the game I'm growing more and more fond of my Rumparooz, (because it has many features I love), and it's hard to go wrong with a Bum Genius! I'm looking forward to trying a new one they have coming out soon called the Freetime. I also am loving the Little Bee Diapers. They never leak and for every diaper you purchase one is donated to an orphan. I love that. The Tots Bots Easy Fit was my first 'love,' and is Kevin's favorite. It has a great fit and a bamboo inner, which is soft and antibacterial, but not stay dry, so the baby feels wet. Selah doesn't always like that. Still, it's a great diaper and one I would provide for babysitters, because of the one step and velcro. For travel I've had great success with Grovia and Best Bottoms shells (because they're easy to clean by hand and dry), with Flip disposable inserts (inexpensive!).

Who am I kidding - I love them all! ;) I do think it's nice to have a variety for different needs and occasions. I'll go into more detail when I do some reviews of them. Also, at the beginning I was sure I'd prefer snaps for their strength. While this is mostly true now and might be true in the long run or with a toddler who can take velcro off, I have to say I like velcro in certain brands because of its ease of use (and for this age). I definitely prefer snaps in pockets and all-in-ones, and velcro in all-in-twos/hybrids so far. (Best Bottoms, Grovia, and Tots Bots have great velcro).

Overall, I do seem to think that Bum Genius, Rumparooz, and Tots Bots are great companies and definitely know what they're doing - they make great diapers. And it is important to me that these diapers last, as I hope to use them for multiple children. From what I can tell so far, my opinions are continually tweaked as Selah grows.

What things do I base my decisions on? I would say reviews, materials, (snaps, strong velcro, soft and durable inside, etc.), colors/patterns, (having a variety also allows for greater enjoyment of all the cuteness!), and fit (if it leaks it doesn't matter how cute it is). If a great diaper is at too high of a price, I'd rather wait for a sale or discount rather than get a cheaper diaper that might not last as long or work as well. I guess I prioritize quality over quantity. But I'm also willing to do the laundry.

I will say, before I started I was concerned I wouldn't want to deal with stuffing pockets at all. I have found that really isn't too big of a deal. It's kind of like matching socks. Now, I have to be honest in saying I have been able to avoid unstuffing dirty diapers so far, as they have agitated out in the wash. (Except for the Oh Katy). Technically your supposed to pull out the insert before washing. I am afraid I would forget to do this on occasion if I always had to.

Some of my favorite online cloth diaper stores and blogs:

Wee Little Changes (Free Shipping, friendly owners - You can click on the button on my blog)

Itsy Bitsy Bums (Free shipping over $35 - great selection, very informative)

Cottonbabies (Free shipping, company that makes makes Bum Genius)

Abby's Lane (Free shipping, also good selection)

Mom's Milk Boutique (Free shipping over $25; frequent deals and specials)

Nicki's Diapers (Free shipping on pocket diapers and Best Bottoms diapers)

Sweet Bottoms Boutique (free shipping and a friendly, small, mom owned company)

Sweet Angel Diapers - (Free shipping over $11, always great discount codes, often freebies)

Kelly's Closet - (one of the bigger cloth diaper sites, not great shipping for small purchases, but often offering a free diaper with purchases over a certain amount - I've never done this, so I'm not sure what kind of diaper is the free one!)

The Green Baby Store (They had good black friday sales, good selection, and I used the code DSMAMA for $2 shipping. AND I got a 30% off code for another purchase when my diaper came!)

Keep in mind, I haven't bought from all these stores, but when you buy one diaper at a time, you do get to try out the service of many! :)

I also always check diaperpin.com and look under the sales/announcements section to get discount codes and sales for online diaper sites. They also have a review section.

So that's my first cloth diaper post! I realize it might sound a little crazy to those of you completely uninterested in the cloth diaper world. But for me it's been a fun part of being a new mom. It's hard for me to decide who to think of when I'm writing this post, because that would definitely affect what kind of info. I'd include. Please ask any questions you may have - I'd love to answer them with my very limited experience in a follow-up post!

A Life Lately List

2011-12-06T01:18:00.001-05:00

My cute and wonderful and growing and beautiful baby girl!!

Well, being a disciplined blogger is a skill that is majorly alluding me lately. No really great excuses, just a whole lot to say and the lack of discipline to spend the time it takes to say it! I'm also thinking a super fun baby girl is a pretty good reason. I do get a good start on a post in my crazy mind nearly every single day, for what it's worth. As a person who struggles with structure and routine even with a lot of sleep, getting it together with sporadic sleep is not easy. So here goes nothing...

1. That birth story. Whew. Kinda long and crazy, huh? So here are my abbreviated thoughts on the whole thing. Would I change it? Of course not, because it's our story and I love how God worked in it and loved us through it. Do I wonder what would have happened if we would have just let them break my water right away? Yes, but we'll never know and we don't regret it. And the whole thing was an experience I'm so glad I had. Will I try to go natural with future pregnancies? I don't think I can say until I get there. But I wouldn't give it a thought if I once again did not go into labor on my own. Meaning I wouldn't be induced without an epidural. Not ever again, thank you very much. The contractions are too crazy. I also wouldn't go natural for longer than 12ish hours, I don't think. Too hungry, too tired, too pregnant. Of course if the Lord is so good to bless us with future children we will pray and surrender how they come into this world as well. By the way, thanks so much for reading it if you did, and thanks to you sweet ones who encouraged me with comments throughout and after! Sorry to leave you hanging so many times! :)

2. My precious girl. Okay, seriously....this little baby bundle just gets more and more fun. Every single day I'm amazed at a new development. I was so scared to see those sweet first tiny days go....but every day brings even more joy from her than the day before. Major changes in the last 4 weeks, as she's gotten so strong with her kicks, 'jumps,' grasping, and head control; so much more "squishy" and wonderful to kiss and squeeze, and even increasing her incredible ability to light up a room. She gets so excited and her eyes are so bright. And she just loves to hold on to something...a finger, a shirt, my hair, her elephant wubbanub. I'm amazed at her ever growing communication of preferences, beyond basic needs. It's so wonderful to see her discover the world, look so curiously around, and enjoy longer stretches of reading, singing, and playing. Her beautiful personality is just coming to life! Our 3rd anniversary was November 16th, and she blessed us with the smallest, but greatest laugh!!! We scared her half to death with our excited reaction, so that was the end of that. It was so awesome to hear. Wow. It wasn't until Saturday that her giggly little self came out again...and in a big way! I SO wish I had gotten a video. I actually tried, but then the camera was just too distracting for her. She actually laughed several times in a row as I made the craziest faces and blew on her belly, and I was beside myself. I'm quite certain I've never heard a more lovely sound than the utter joy coming from my daughter as a response to a crazy, silly mom!

3. Blog fans/fears. Is it weird that the more people in my life tell me they read my blog, the more nervous I get to "let it all out there?" I've been thinking about this lately, maybe because I've gone through some pretty major emotions and thoughts during this transitional stage of life. If you read my blog you know I err on the side of transparency, mostly because that's just who I am. I'm not good at faking it. I always hope it's an encouragement to others when I'm honest and real with the good, bad, lovely, and ugly of life, but lately I've become all too aware of the vulnerability of it. And in real, non-cyber world life that is something I honestly do struggle with. I'm actually quite a private person when all is said and done, though my heart does tend to live on my sleeve. And while I'm finding I'm more and more cautious of my words because of my potential readers, I also don't at all want to be non-existent or leave out reality. I think I'm just the least interested in unsolicited judgment or criticism as I've ever been. All that to say, I am so thankful for the encouragement and kindness, and that anyone would take the time to read what I write. It means a lot. While I tend to take the positive outlook approach to blogging, please know that there's all kinds of not so wonderful, "nitty gritty" I leave out all the time, for obvious reasons on a public blog. Just know that no one's claiming to having it all together here! I actually often feel like I struggle more than most.

4. Treasures in Heaven. My iphone died. Like, recovery mode, only can restore, everything will be deleted forever died. (which is why, if you have been trying to text or call, I've been m.i.a!!!) It's for certain too, as even the geniuses at Apple confirmed it. Though I still am holding out for the techno angel who can take it apart and make them reappear. ;) Trust me, before you think it or say it, I've learned the difficult lesson of making sure to back up/update your phone. Procrastinators never prosper.

Amazing how easy it is to put so much trust in a little piece of technology. I haven't had a phone for 3 weeks because I've been sad and in denial about losing my first 2 months of iphone Selah pics (seriously hundreds) and the pics and video of my grandma teaching me to sew, among other photos. (I told her we need to restage it:) Of course I have a thousand other ones on my camera, but sentimental me treasures those intimate ones in the hospital and our first days at home that I took with my phone. Okay, you should know...I'm pretty much a photo hoarder. I struggle to delete. Ha.

Even if in the big picture it's a minor thing, it has definitely thrown me into some serious reflecting, as many things that hurt me do that. I've had to realize and surrender how tightly I hold to the small and big things of this world, especially when they're meaningful and wonderful. But of course my memories of precious moments are not held in photos...they're held in my heart. And joyfully we are making so many more that I can't capture them with pictures quickly enough. I often struggle to let go of the past or believe life is moving so quickly. I often so desperately want to hold on so tightly to the moment that it's hard to fully make it to the next. Yet I'm constantly reminded that first of all, I don't want to remain back there and miss what's right now. Secondly, this is only the beginning. Eternity awaits. All the physical and concrete that I've held precious here, in my desperate attempts to hold meaning and joy tangibly in my hands, will vanish like a vapor. Nothing reminded me of this more than being at a Hillsong worship concert a couple weeks ago, and witnessing thousands of people, hands in the air, voices only, singing, "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who paid it all. I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrender, all I have is yours." Love, love that song. We sang the chorus over and over and it. was. AWESOME. I closed my tear-filled eyes and imagined that very scene in Heaven, around the throne of the Lord, worshipping him without tiring. Forever. Sounds like losing everything in my phone wasn't entirely a bad thing after all.

5. Post baby/new baby stuff. 12 weeks later, I'm honestly really tired. Sweet girl had a great week last week, sleeping 8 hrs. the night before Thanksgiving, and 5 or 6 hours for a few nights after. Now we're back to eating every 3, from start to start, almost around the clock. I don't mind that part at all, it's just the struggling energy that comes with it. Selah's awake times are much more full, fun, and frequent, which I love...though it increases my craving for a full night's sleep. Oh well - I'm certainly still not going to wish these unique and wonderful days away. And I'm hopeful we'll be turning a sleep corner soon. But I do keep waiting for the motivation to clean my house, work out, and be productive, even with little energy. I finally got a clue that the motivation is not going to just show up. It's simply going to have to be a choice. Speaking of working out, the weight thing is hard. I've literally been every size at some point in my life, so this path is familiar to me...though post pregnancy is new. I laugh my head off at anyone who has said that with breastfeeding it will "fall right off." Not the case with my body, I'll tell you that much. I also try to pay no mind to those who "slip" into their old pants shortly after giving birth. Also not the case for me. I've always had to work like crazy for every little pound I've ever wanted to lose, and this will be no different I'm certain. I desperately don't want to be vain, but struggling with squishy volume in places I've never had it before in addition to where I always have can be a bit discouraging...but only when I have to wear something other than yoga pants. Ha ha ha. And when I'm around skinny people. Just kidding. But if you've ever looked at a mom and judged her for her weight, repent. I'm just saying, that post-pregnancy muffin thing is for real. It's totally goal time for me. Mini-marathon maybe? (sounds exhausting-ha)

One thing's for sure, leggings and dresses have changed my life! I'm determined to get healthy without getting crazy. Because I can do crazy workout, super strict diet girl...it's just exhausting and I haven't done it for a long time. Obviously too long. Ha. Twenty-somethings without super wonderful metabolisms, listen carefully...just keep moving. When I get my groove back, (whatever that is), you can be sure I will try to keep it.

(update: between writing this post and now posting it, someone actually asked me if I was pregnant again! In my beloved dress and leggings! Good news - I considered the source and therefore cared much less. Other good news - I didn't cry. Ha ha. But still I mean, seriously? I have a 3 month old in my arms! So f.y.i. - no, I'm not)

6. Speaking of motivation...the nursery. I was seriously on the roll of a lifetime that first month of Selah's life. I was so close. Now I'm thinking of hiring the finishing touches out. Though the job wouldn't pay. ;) Does anyone else find it easier to get more done when the sun is out?? Maybe I'll post the unconventional work-in-progress post and take your opinions on how to complete it. Now that would be helpful!! (Easier to filter advice and ideas online rather than in person, you know?)

That's about it for now. I could go on and on, but then I would never post what I've written...again. I do love that it's Christmas time, and that you all are posting the merriest of Christmas-time things. I am in awe of the beautiful decorating that goes on in your all's homes. Wow. Such beautiful style so many of you (online and in my real life) have to share with the rest of us. So thank you!

*Coming soon: first cloth diaper post (it's finished!), 3 month Selah stats, Christmasy happenings here*

Selah's Birth Story Part 3 - It's a Girl!!

2011-11-18T16:28:00.003-05:00

So here we go - Part 3. The very best part of the story of course. I had finally gone back to sleep, and the doctor had said she would check me at 6. So she and the nurse came back, I woke up, and was pleasantly surprised to find that while I still couldn't really move my legs, I did have some sensation in them...so I could at least feel that they were there! Kevin stood next to me, exhausted as ever, and the doctor checked me. Brace yourselves...

9 cm and complete!!!! Are you kidding me?! This was amazing moment number one. The doctor said so nonchalantly that we would start pushing in an hour. We were going to have a baby!!! I cannot even tell you the smiles that were on our faces. You can imagine, after the two days we'd just had, that the joy was for real. This next hour was FUNNY. I was suddenly in the best mood of my life. I couldn't feel the pain of my contractions, and I wasn't as freaked out by my numbness. I started thinking about how I needed to get ready for this baby's arrival! I asked Holly if she could please get me a cold washcloth and my makeup. I mean, I knew this would be a highly photographed event, and I'd been crying my eyes out, on top of no sleeping. I thought a little prep wouldn't hurt. I mean, I was about to meet my baby!!! Kevin decided to take a shower and change. Yes, this was all so hilarious.

We called our families, telling them to come to the hospital right away, and we called our amazing photographer. We were all smiles and excited nerves. Kevin started taking a couple pictures, and the birth team came in, prepping the warming bed/table thing for the baby - it was all just so neat. It was the first time since we'd been there that the looming reality of becoming a mom for the first time actually felt like it was going to happen. We were certainly praising God for His faithfulness...and I was SO excited I was actually going to get to try and push this baby out!

At this point our nurse was Rose, who was the sweetest, most adorable and helpful lady. She had been a nurse for a long time, so she knew what she was doing. Our sweet nurse Jessie didn't want to miss it after all that had happened, so she even stayed past her shift! My mom came in, looking as nervous and excited as could be, having never seen a baby being born before. We DEFINITELY did not know what we were in for.

7:00 came quickly, and the doctor checked me again. Okay - I now know that 10 cm is completely undeniable. I felt like a bowling ball was about to fall out of me, and if I looked under the blanket I would surely see the baby's head! (Sorry for being graphic, just don't know how else to describe that!) Of course it's not quite that easy...just such a weird sensation. So Jessie sat at my feet, I asked for a mirror, (graphic and crazy, but I HIGHLY recommend this. AMAZING), and she had me start pushing. This felt a little counterproductive to me, as the epidural was continually backing off, but I still didn't have any sensation of pushing. I felt like I was just scrunching up my face, holding my breath, and waiting until they got to 10. Ha. It was weird. But she kept saying good job and that it was going well. The doctor would step in every once in a while to have me push and gauge how we were progressing. We did this for over 2 hours. The fastest 2 hours of my entire life. I've always heard about people pushing for lots of hours, but I never could have imagined how fast the time goes. But it is EXHAUSTING. So many things were happening to me, internally and externally. I started throwing up, which they said was normal, and actually would help get the baby out. I also felt like I was having FUN. Isn't that crazy! Seriously, though, it was so amazing and I felt like I was living a dream. Up until this point, I had no idea how strong having a baby this way was a desire of my heart. I am so thankful God graciously was letting me have the experience - because I loved it. It was also interesting how I could tell when a contraction was coming, although I didn't have pain from them...but this helped me know when to push. By the end of the two hours I felt more in control of my pushing, which I was hoping would help, but the doctor said the baby would start to descend then go right back up. My little one was quite cozy apparently! Everyone also knew my mom's history of not being able to birth a baby, and I think the doctor even mentioned it, knowing that's what I was afraid of for myself. So she became very sensitive to being aware of my fears, and communicating that she wanted to get me there.

We also knew, from our doctor and this one, that they wouldn't let me push more than 3 hours. Apparently they feel like that's not good for mom or baby. So I felt like we were racing the clock, and I was giving it everything I had, Kevin and I both cheering for that baby, and praying he or she would come. Dr. Evans kept saying things to the nurse like it was really tight and the baby wasn't coming down, etc. I was trying not to get discouraged. Around 9:00 she suggested that we try one more thing. Since I had gone from 51/2 or 6 to 9 cm so quickly in those couple hours, she said we would have everyone leave the room, I would lay there and relax for a half hour, and the nurses would flip me over every 15 min., to encourage the baby's descent.

I call this the hour of intercession.

We had come so far, had endured so much, and believed so fully that the presence of God had carried us through it. So we called on him now, more than ever, to complete this amazing process he started. I asked Kevin to play the song "Waiting Here For You," by Christy Nockels on the Passion 2011 cd. I LOVE that song, and it's all about waiting in expectation for God to come.

"If faith can move the mountains, let the mountains move; we come with expectation, waiting here for you, waiting here for you. You're the Lord of all creation, and still you know my heart; the Author of salvation, you've loved us from the start...waiting here for you. With our hands lifted high in praise, and it's you we adore, singing hallelujah.

You are everything you promised, your faithfulness is true; we're desperate for your presence, all we need is you; waiting her for you."

Believe me when I say we had our hands lifted in that hospital room desperately pleading for him. Kevin prayed out loud next to my bed, and I laid there with tears running down my face, my hands on my belly, praying like I never had. I have tears as I write this because it was powerful. What's awesome is that I could feel that sweet baby so very low, and with every contraction I was willing him or her to move down. There is no experience of my life that comes close to the magnitude of those moments.

9:30 came, and it was time to push again...if the baby was coming, this was going to be it. The doctor played a little bit to my competitive side, saying she had tools to help if she needed them, (forceps, etc.), but knew I didn't want that, so I needed to push with everything to get this baby out. I am SO thankful that the epidural had worn off like it had, because while I couldn't feel pain from the contractions, I felt like I had control over my pushing, and I could sense how hard I was trying. So I gave it everything I had, started throwing up again, which I believe with all my heart totally helped this baby come, because it helped me involuntarilly push several times with pretty good strength. The doctor was completely patient with this. Holly and Kevin kept wiping my face, Kevin would hold the little bag, and he just kept saying he loved me, was so proud of me, and that I was doing great. He and I both, at different times would say, "Come on baby!" We were sure we could convince him/her to come out.

I will never forget the moment I saw that little head of hair. In that moment I truly believed I was going to have that baby. There is just no better motivation than seeing your little one and desperately wanting to meet that sweet face. I also was a little freaked out about the baby being stuck there or something. Ha. I remember Rose and Dr. Evans saying, "Look at that beautiful hair!" I looked at that hair and seriously tried to decide whether that was a little boy's head or a little girl's head. I was aching to find out! Everyone was cheering for me, and I remember Dr. Evans saying, "You're going to have this baby!" I can't tell you the feeling in my heart once I knew the baby was actually coming and this was how it was going to happen. I looked at my mom, and said, "Are you ready?" She said, "Oh, I'm ready." Everything happened so quickly, and as I'm pushing with all my might during every back to back contractions, Dr. Evans said to everyone, "Remember, they want to find out what it is themselves!"

At 9:45 Kevin's staff was having a prayer meeting and praying for us.

At 9:47, our precious baby was born. I was laying flat on my back, so I had my head lifted up as far as I could. Once I gave that final push, the baby came out so fast, and it was amazing how the doctor pulled her out and turned her right around and upright. I saw it all happen, and I loved every second. She lifted the baby up for Kevin to see, and he said, "It's a girl!" I was so afraid, after all this time, of committing in my heart to what this baby was...so I kept saying, "It's a girl? Is it a girl??" The doctor laid her on my chest and I put my hands on her and held her so close, kissing her little head and telling her I loved her. I started balling. It was amazing. More than I could have ever imagined. Her little body was so tiny, and her eyes were wide open, looking right at me. The Kevin cut the cord. It was just so, so awesome. I remember the nurse saying, "Oh, watch your hand, she just pooed all over you." I thought it was the sweetest thing to hold this naked little brand new life. Wow. I could re-live that moment over and over.

They took her to weigh and measure her - 7lbs 4oz, 20 1/2 inches long. Then they wrapped her tight and gave her to Kevin, while they took care of me and were doing all kinds of things I don't remember. I just kept looking at him and saying, "Can I have the baby back?" Ha. It's funny how clear that is in my mind.

It was so, so fun. Once the doctors and nurses had everything cleaned up they all left, and Kevin went to get our family. It turns out my older brother, who I'm very close to, hadn't wanted to be as far away as the waiting room, so he had been sitting in the little room between the delivery room and the hallway the entire time, listening to everything. And weeping. I had no idea he was out there. He said it was so amazing to hear the process of this beautiful baby coming into the world. At this point my mom (and Darin) were the only ones who knew it was a girl, and no one knew the name. So he drew the curtain closed, went out to get his parents and brother, and they stood at the door waiting. Needless to say, both of our families had been waiting anxiously and excitedly waiting for her arrival for 2 days. Once they were all there Kevin said, "It's a..," pulled back the curtain and together we said, "Girl!!" I announced her name - "Selah Page." Everyone came close to see her, gathered around my bed, and Kevin prayed the most beautiful prayer for her, and praising God for her arrival. It has been such a powerful experience to feel and know both of our family's joy for the pregnancy and birth of our first child, since the beginning. My mom has been beside herself with joy for me, seeing her own daughter now become a mom to a daughter of my own. And she was certainly changed forever by seeing Selah being born.

That was the beginning of the privilege of being parents to our amazing little daughter. The whole time I've been writing this she's been in my lap napping...and I still marvel at every intricate little detail God chose to create her with. I have a feeling I'll never stop. I remember looking at everyone of her features those next couple days in the hospital and thinking about how I'd prayed for each specific one. It's such a fascinating experience to meet this new little life and see this new little face and have to learn and memorize the details...though it feels like you should know them already.

Once everyone left the room and it was just the 3 of us, we had such peace in the midst of total and complete exhaustion. Selah laid skin to skin on my chest, I tried to eat a little something, but couldn't keep it down. So between letting friends know she had come, and sharing some details, we simply rested. It was so sweet. Worth every last second of the process of getting her here.

We were in the hospital until Saturday night, a total of a little over 4 days. Our time there was so special. I particularly loved the three full meals a day, and when it was quiet and just us. I didn't particularly like when they would take her. Rip my new mommy heart out! On Friday night Kevin was resting on the couch and she was in the nursery for some tests. I thought it was weird that I'd never seen this nursery, so I decided to go find it and maybe take a photo. Keep in mind, I hadn't been out of bed for a few days. So I slowly made my way down the hall, and what did I see through the window? A nurse pricking her little heels and making her bleed! Not sure that was a good choice on my part. :) Then I got her and started pushing her little bassinet down the hallway. With every step I felt worse. By the time I got to the room I said to Kevin, "I don't feel good at all," and I started crying while he hugged me. It's so crazy what your body goes through, and I felt so weird, physically and emotionally. He told me I shouldn't have escaped while he was sleeping. Ha.

While we spent those first 48 - 72 hrs. getting to know her, Kevin and I would take turns breaking down in tears and saying, "I just love her so much." Kevin kept looking at her and saying, "You're my daughter. I'm your dad." And it was truly so hard for me to grasp that I had my very own daughter. That God had entrusted us with this life. Those were the most emotionally overwhelming days ever. Between the physical fatigue and tough recovery, the shift in hormones, and now having this vulnerable little baby now outside my body, it was a lot to take in. For many days after as well. Apparently I get overwhelmed really easily, because in the rare moments when it was just Selah and me in the that hospital room, I would just hold her close and let the tears fall. Those were precious, priceless moments. I didn't want to sleep and miss any of it. Though on two occasions while we were there and the nurses had her for tests/procedures, I took half a percocet and slept well for a couple hours.

On Thursday night, after family had left, we sat on the couch/bed and read to her, "On the Night You Were Born." It was so fun saying her name out loud, and now having a face to go with it. One morning while Kevin went to get something to eat, I listened to our labor playlist, singing to her and couldn't help but cry thinking of all the years I had dreamed of her, and dreaming of all the years ahead of us. Another morning Kevin had his quiet time and was reading the bible to her. So sweet. It was all just so emotional, and I was so very thankful. From those very first days Kevin starting telling her our story and teaching her of God's faithfulness throughout. Even when we struggled with being faithful ourselves. She often had her eyes open, and rarely cried those first sleepy days. (Unless she was dirty or Daddy was changing her, which he pretty much did the whole time we were in the hospital!) OR unless the lactation consultant was teaching me how to breastfeed. Neither one of us really enjoyed that. Ha. It is fascinating, as I'm telling this story, how I start to leave out details like the pain of recovery, the weird and CRAZY 80 yr. old type of problems from 3 hrs. of pushing, (that I still kind of have), the pain of learning to feed my new baby, the world of ice diapers and sitz baths, the random bouts of crying, and the fatigue of it all. Amazing how that fades.

We had sweet friends and family visit during those couple days, anxious to meet this little life they had prayed so often for. It was neat to introduce her to all these people who had each loved us in some way during the last crazy 10 months of being nomads, pregnant, homeless, and carless at times!! Our gratitude is greater than we could ever communicate in words. What an incredible season of life. All I know is that God redeemed those long months of waiting with a beautiful, amazing outcome. I simply adore having a daughter, and being a mom is an absolute dream come true.

The beginning of our little girl's life was a crazy, lesson-filled time in the story of our lives. I could have never in a million years predicted that it would be written like that. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Because that is the start of our sweet Selah's story.

Thanks for sharing our joy...and for reading this, especially if you made it all the way through! We are so, so thankful and we give God the glory for it all!!

Selah's Birth Story Part 2

2011-11-15T22:39:00.003-05:00

Okay, so we headed off to the hospital, totally caught off guard and having no idea when or how the baby was going to come. (Kind of like a lot of other people who have a baby :) We registered at the front desk in labor and delivery, which really did take a long time even though we had pre-registered. We were told that would happen. I even politely asked the lady if the process was the same for women in active labor who obviously wouldn't have been able to sit there that long. Apparently it depends. Anyway, we went back to triage like they were expecting us, and realized the doctors hadn't even called to say we were coming. Ha! It was so weird. The nurses even said, "Well aren't you just going to be induced? You're almost 41 weeks!" We knew it would be difficult to not just go through the hospital motions, but it was even more so than I would have guessed. It's not that we didn't trust the doctors; we just really didn't want to jump into anything without thinking and praying it through.

They checked us into a room and our first nurse was Karen. Now, all our nurses are a crucial part of the story because they were AMAZING. Something I will never forget. Having never been admitted in a hospital before, I was in awe of how patient they were with me, how kind they were in conversation, how they cared for us, and that they laughed at my jokes. Seriously - loved that. We talked to the doctor on call and asked her our alternatives to just having my water broken. We wanted to take the least invasive route at first, unless it was necessary to do otherwise. She very hesitatingly told us about cervadil, which is supposed to be very mild and doesn't always throw you into full blown labor, but it's not as aggressive and no turning back like pitocin. While she wouldn't change her recommendation, (because of the heartrate decel earlier in the day), she said it was an option. So we decided that would be our best choice throughout the night, to see if it would help me better go into labor on my own. We got to the hospital between 4 and 5, and they were going to start the cervadil at 10. This whole time we were hooked up to the monitor and the baby's heart rate was great.

I knew that once you get checked into the hospital for labor and delivery they don't let you eat or drink....and I had NO idea how long this was going to take. So I ~~begged~~ nicely asked Karen if I could have one last meal before we got all of this started. She was so awesome and saved me a hospital meal. I ate every last bite out of fear that the baby and I would starve during this crazy process! So we prepared to get everything going, praying the cervadil would be enough to put me into active labor. In the meantime Kevin noticed there was an empty room with a window. And guess what Karen let us do. Yep, we moved. Hilarious. By the end of it though, I was so glad we did have those windows. At this point my mom was in town and everyone was pretty much waiting for a baby. I was certain we would have a baby by the next day, 9-7-11. I thought that would be funny and every year we would take the baby to a 7/11 for a special treat. Ha ha. We were nervous, excited, and still naive to the process ahead of us.

They started the cervadil at 10, and by midnight I was having painful contractions that lasted about 45 sec.(on average), and were 2 min. apart. Sometimes both of these numbers were a bit more or a bit less. Being at hospital and laboring naturally during the night is a fascinating thing. All is much more quiet, the lights are down, and the nurses really don't bother you much. We had a sweet nurse named Jessie, and she was so encouraging. We joked about how she would be working the next night too, and would love to see us but hoped she didn't. ;) Kevin helped me get through the contractions for a bit, then he tried to get some sleep - (which is extremely difficult when you're listening to your wife breathe loudly in pain, saying the same things over and over to get through her contractions!) While this was my first experience with painful contractions, it also felt pretty special to me, feeling like I was working towards meeting my baby, and having to rely on God and prayer to get through. They were mostly too painful for me to lie down, so I did a lot of sitting on an exercise ball, walking the halls with my portable monitor, and standing and swaying. I also remember being so focused on the baby's heartbeat all night - it's so crazy to see how the numbers change when little ones sleep. Kind of scary if you have no idea what you're looking at. But she was doing great. Sometimes I would turn the monitor up louder so I could focus on that. I also listened to my hospital worship playlist, which was an awesome part of my whole labor experience. Music is very powerful for me, and it definitely helped me relax. I was also so amazed at how much the bible verses I had brought were the most helpful comfort measures of all. One of the ones that got me through the most was, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:14) At one point I remember lying down, being exhausted and hungry, and trying to catch a little sleep between two contractions that were about 4 min. apart. Ha. If you've ever tried to sleep for 3 min., it doesn't work very well. I also fixated on 'contraction master' on my iphone, which helped me think more about the minutes and less about the pain. Once the sun came up I was really glad so I didn't feel like I needed to be so quiet anymore. I had a couple really bad contractions that Kevin really had to get me through. The doctor checked me and I had progressed another centimeter, which was encouraging to me, though I was hopeful for more. But in my heart I knew my contractions hadn't grown in length or strength all night, just basically stayed the same. So they took the cervadil out, (they leave it in for about 12 hrs), and we were going to see what my body would do on its own. Unfortunately, the contractions lessened to a few an hour, though they were still really painful and I still had to stop and work to get through them when I did have them.

At this point I was on penicillin for the strep b, just so my body would have enough by the time the baby came, whenever that would be. We were still so torn as to how this was going to go and what the best thing to do was. The night before, we had even talked about going home at this point if the baby wasn't coming on his or her own. Yeah right. Between being 41 weeks, knowing the baby's heartrate had been enough for them to send me there even for a second, and having the doctors and nurses looking at us like we were crazy already for delaying the inevitable, I didn't have the emotional strength to make a decision like that. And the doctor knew it. She came in, told me I was in labor and what we needed to do next...some method of stronger induction. I will admit, we were going to try the breastpump first as a natural way to do it...but I hated that. Seriously, having never breastfed or pumped before, having been up all night, having the nurse there watching me, and being the private person that I am - it all about put me over the edge. So rather than having an emotional breakdown I quickly dropped that idea. We decided on a low level of pitocin, so I would still have a chance at being able to get through those kind of contractions.

We had to wait a few hours for the whole process to begin, so for a couple hours that afternoon I had a few quiet moments to myself to rest. It was very surreal, and very peaceful, lying in that bed and praying/wondering how this little baby in my big belly was going to make his/her arrival. At this point I was so tired and so incredibly hungry - but not yet discouraged. Like I said, I had prepared myself for 24 hrs and we hadn't hit that yet. But the not eating thing was the worst. I was exhausted. At this point our nurse was Pam, and she was also the sweetest person ever. Never once did I feel like she thought we were crazy for taking our time with every little decision. She could tell I was nervous and scared to do the wrong thing, and was so great at reassuring me.

They were planning to start the pitocin at about 4:30 or 5, and about 4:00 Kevin and I had some cool moments together. We kind of felt like this step was the big one...we were definitely going to have a baby now. We also knew it was about to get way more painful, and this is what we had prepared for. He was awesome. We prayed and got excited, trying to surrender and trust more than ever. But we still had no idea what we were in for. We took some final "before" pictures, figuring that was the last time we'd be smiling for awhile, and knowing our next pics would probably include a baby! Holly also got there, and my mom had been there for awhile. We quickly realized it would be way too hard for my mom to see me labor naturally for so long, as far as helping to coach me through it. It's not an easy thing to watch your daughter do. Once they started the pitocin it took about an hour or so for my contractions to pick up. Now that was the start of some very real and much more harsh pain. Holly and Kevin got me through every single one, which was amazing. I was hoping I wasn't a moaner, and though you really can't help it sometimes, my best coping came in the form of rhythmic and deep breathing, and saying the word, "Okay" over and over, rhythmically as well. (Ohhh-kay) Swaying or rubbing my leg also helped at times. There was even a chunk of time where I would rhythmically pat the bed to get through them. That helped too. Sometimes I would stand, and sometimes I would sit on the birthing ball, but Kevin pretty much held me through each one, and Holly coached and encouraged. Again - they were both just incredible.

My contractions were about 45 sec. long, and about a minute or 2 apart. When we started I would re-engage in conversation after every one, sometimes even making a joke. So we knew we weren't quite in the heat of it yet. At about 7 or 8:00 on Wednesday night they checked me and I had gone from 4 to 5 cm. We decided to increase my amount of pitocin, to see if my contractions would get longer and stronger, and because I was getting through the ones I was having. They were really bad, but they weren't getting worse. Well, this started working. At this point there was no more light conversation - it was becoming survival through each one. This is going to sound crazy, but it was a really cool experience. It was so amazing to be helped through them by my husband and our friend, and the process became very rhythmic. And there was some definite gratification from working so hard. Focusing on the verses was so powerful, and when Kevin and I would walk the halls and stop for each contraction (and I would squeeze his neck or shoulder really hard), it was sweet. One of the best experiences of our marriage by far. A real lesson in learning to rely on and sacrifice for one another. I know he was tired, but he stayed strong. I was definitely getting so tired and was extremely hungry...I can't even count how many popsicles I ate to try and help. I also have every cute, framed baby picture on those walls memorized. :)

During those hours of contractions I had some really sweet moments with God as well. We had my music playing on the ipod, and during one of the really painful contractions Kevin was holding me, and the song "Be Still" by Steven Curtis Chapman came on. I remember holding onto him, breathing and focusing, all while the music was playing...and I smiled and cried right in the middle of it...because it was amazing. I was so weary and so hungry, in so much pain - but God was carrying us through it. We were doing it and I was just overcome with thankfulness. The same thing happened one other time when the song, "How Deep the Father's Love For Us," by none other than Selah came on during a different contraction. When I think of it now I think of it as a "beautiful pain," because in those moments I took in the depth of it all...that it was just us in that quiet hospital room with the sound of our baby's heartbeat in the background, that God was bringing this baby we had prayed so much for into the world, that we were getting through those difficult contractions, and that my husband and friend were loving me and lifting me up in the gentlest way. I was just so, so thankful and felt so very loved. The power of the Holy Spirit felt very alive and present - and while it really hurt, it was also really cool.

The real drama starts here. We had spent a couple hours getting through much more severe contractions, and I was just sure I would have made significant progress. So my heart was set on it. The doctor checked me at about 10 or 10:30, and I hadn't progressed at all. Kevin would say that was the real start of my heart getting discouraged. I had now spent over 30 hrs. laboring in some way, with no sleep, no food, and having to make one difficult decision after another. My heart, mind, and body were exhausted. The doctor said that we should really break my water. I have no idea why this was such a difficult decision for me - I guess I had just built that up in my mind to be the scariest option. For some reason I think I felt like the baby would be more vulnerable than ever. At the doctor's office they had said something about my amniotic fluid getting lower, and the doctor had said a lot of times at 41 weeks there's meconium in the water. (There wasn't) All I know is, when she broke my water, it felt like my spirit broke too. I started crying at that point, and didn't stop for a couple hours...through the most painful physical experience of my life. Breaking my water set my body into motion...and on top of the pitocin, it was like torture and fire in my belly all at the same time. It got really awful really fast. Breathing, chanting, swaying, music...none of it did any good anymore. A contraction would come and I would literally scream as loud as I could through the whole thing. This is no joke. It was crazy awful. All I could do was lay in bed, squeezing Holly or Kevin's hand while the other one rubbed my back and tried to talk me through it. I kept my eyes closed and just cried, praying for it to be over, but feeling like it would never end. I finally understood what people had said about being in labor and not being able to talk, but hearing the conversation around you and feeling like you were participating. So weird.

Here's what you do need to know. We knew it would come to this. We had learned that many women who labor naturally get to that place where they say they quit and they can't do it anymore...which usually means the baby is coming. We had talked about this and Holly had asked how committed I was - what to do in that situation. I had told them to just keep getting me through one at a time, minute by minute, hour by hour. Well, I was at 5 cm - the baby wasn't exactly crowning. And I knew in my heart and mind I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so fatigued and famished, and emotionally broke. So I started begging for them to give me something. I said, through tears, "I don't want to do this anymore, it doesn't matter, please make it stop!" It was so awful. This was not a beautiful pain. Then came what I can only describe now as what felt like a super dark hour of my life. It was around 12am when I was desperately, more than ever wanting it to stop, and Kevin and Holly decided to try to get me to 1am. They really didn't want me to regret it if I didn't keep going. Well, it was a nightmare. I just remember screaming through each contraction, and in between begging them in a million different ways to please let me stop. I remember thinking about two things (that I never voiced): that the nurses had to be able to hear me, and that I was worried about scaring the baby. Kevin and Holly kept coaching me to get through the next one, and just make it until 1, when the doctor was going to check me again. I would look at the clock and become so discouraged because I just knew I would never make it. It was excruciating. While my eyes were closed and I was pleading with them between contractions, I could hear them whispering about what to do. I could tell Kevin was a wreck, and he kept reassuring me he was listening to me. I mean, I was going crazy. Saying things like, "Why are you doing this to me," and "Please, I change my mind," and "I don't even care anymore, just please let me stop," and "Why aren't you listening to me??" I am totally laughing while I writing this...because it was AWFUL for everyone. I still can't even believe it. They were sincerely trying to help me and do what I asked. Well, somehow they got me to 1:00am and I was a MESS. At this point I was done with Holly and Kevin and just begging the nurse to get me something, telling her I was 30 years old and I don't care what they say. Ha ha. CRAZY. (You didn't expect anything less from me, right??) What's also funny is Jessie, our nurse from the night before was back and had requested me. She is in her twenties, and was so sweet, but because she was so young I felt so embarrassed for her to see me screaming like that!)

I think the doctor checked me, I don't remember, and I don't think I'd made anymore progress. They gave me Stadol because it was the fastest and she said it would take the edge off, (until they could get me the epidural), but my mind might feel funny. Ha. I hadn't eaten or slept, and I'd labored for 30 hrs. - I had completely lost my mind. That started working and I at least felt like I could breathe again, yet I was so upset from the whole experience. The anesthesiologist came in around 2 or 2:30 and I would love and hate to have a video of what that interaction was like. I kept apologizing to him that I was such a mess and telling him how much I appreciated what he was doing and to just do it quickly. I didn't care about needles or anything at that point. Though I did ask for a low dose - because after a day like I had I wasn't exactly afraid of some pain. It started taking effect, and I found myself telling Holly thanks for helping and she could go home if she wanted. Like we were done. So crazy. The next thing I remember is my mom and brother, who had been in the waiting room the whole time, coming in and through tears I said, "I don't ever want to talk about this again. So make sure no one asks me about it." They told me they loved me and were praying for me, and they were proud of me. It turns out Kevin had gone out to give them an update and just broke down. He was so emotionally and physically exhausted, and it was like nothing he'd ever imagined seeing me in pain like that.

I felt so defeated. And I went into maybe the deepest sleep of my life.

It felt like a long time, but they came in to wake me up and check me at 4am. (Thursday morning, September 8. We had gone into the hospital on September 6) Well, the drugs felt pretty heavy at this point, and I had only slept for a couple hours. When I woke up I completely panicked because instantly I realized I couldn't feel my legs. This was awful, horrible moment number two. This may seem really obvious to you, but I have no idea why I had never thought about how scary that would be - and I was terrified. I hated it so much. It felt as awful to me as the pain had, but in a totally different way. Poor Kevin. I cried and cried and said, "I hate it - I can't move, please turn it off!" They came and had to flip me over and it was just awful. For lack of a better term, and for whatever reason, I was having a panic attack. Well, they all knew it would take a couple hours for the effects to decrease, even if they turned it down. But I insisted. So the anesthesiologist came and cut it in half. To make matters worse, I was only dilated to 6cm. I knew, and Kevin knew that I had to calm down or I would never make it. So he helped me through some deep breaths, and I kept crying, but I started praying like crazy. And this whole time I saw Holly, sitting quietly by my bed, praying. She was absolutely an amazing part of this story. The doctor and nurse left, saying they would check me again at 6. I asked Kevin to turn on my Bebo Norman cd - the Ten Thousand Days one. (Which, if you've listened to it, has some pretty amazing lyrics for what I was going through). It's a mellow and beautiful cd, and I knew it would help me relax and try to go back to sleep. The first song says, "Walk down this mountain with your heart held high; follow in the footsteps of your Maker. And with this love that's gone before you and these people at your side, if you offer up your broken cup you will taste the meaning of this life." The third song on the cd is one of my absolute favorites, "The Hammer Holds," and equally as powerful in this situation. It says, "Dream a little dream for me, in hopes that I remain. Cry a little cry for me so I can bear the flames. Hurt a little hurt for me, my future is untold. My dreams are not the issue here, for the, the Hammer holds."

I laid there crying, placed my hand on my belly, and prayed like crazy. I worked to get my focus off my legs, and just asked God, in the name of Jesus, to bring this baby out. I believed He could do it and I desperately asked him to. But I also laid there thinking, "What am I doing?" This is the point when I started thinking of all the other girls recently (or ever!) who had had babies and how I was making it way too complicated, when I knew the doctor could take me across the hall and get the baby out. At this point I was completely surrendered because I had no other choice...and I couldn't see an end.

By God's grace alone, I went back to sleep. If Kevin were telling this story, he'd say it was during this time that he wept in prayer like he never had. It was such an emotional experience, and we felt, more than ever, our total dependence on God for how the rest of the story would go.

This is where it gets good.

To be continued...

(Coming up - Part 3: It's a girl! Part 4: Reflections and what I really think of how this all went down)

Selah's Birth Story - Part 1

2011-11-11T12:56:00.000-05:00

(This was us on my due date! A week and a day before Selah would make her arrival :)

The sacred experiences we are gifted in life sometimes feel almost too amazing for words. I think what adds to the sacred nature of those experiences in my case, starting with my wedding, is how long I have been praying for them. I've learned that if you want something to be incredibly powerful in life, pray intently about it for a long, long time. That's the start of my birth story. Years and years of prayer culminated in the amazing moment the little girl I now call my daughter came into the world. I have sat here for awhile, just staring at this screen, wondering how in the world to share the ridiculously powerful moments of giving birth to my first child.

I do have to preface this with a couple things. One, it's a looong one to write out, but you have to know up front that we came to be known at the hospital as the "Three Day Induction Couple." I'm not kidding. Also, if you've read my very unedited writing...I hate to leave any little detail out. And I'm noticing more and more that, for better or worse, I insist on internalizing every little second of life. So this might have to come at you in parts. Secondly, while some parts might seem dramatic, if you know me or have read my blog for any length of time, you know that I'm an incredibly emotional person who puts a lot of weight and heart into most moments and experiences in my life. And this experience was certainly the most powerful one yet.. While I had a feeling I wouldn't be 4 hr. pop it out kind of girl, (though I was hopeful!), I had no idea what I was really in for. I might share my humorous point of view about some parts of this story, but please know the painful, wonderful, and deeply emotional parts are not over-dramatized at all from my perspective. It was a really big, powerful experience for me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually...one that I'm so thankful for. Then again, I'm guessing bringing a child into the world or becoming a mom for the first time carries much the same weight for other moms as well!

Somewhat early on in our pregnancy we started talking about natural childbirth. It was not something I strongly desired before I became pregnant, but once I entered into the maternity world it became something I was very interested in and prayerful about. Kevin was so very supported of whatever decision I wanted to make. I knew I wanted to take a labor/childbirth class outside of the hospital, partially for a more personal and thorough experience, and partially because I knew we would be less likely to ever take a class like that again. One thing was very true during my pregnancy: I wanted to know and experience everything possible. So I did all kinds of research about all kinds of things. I knew this would be my only first pregnancy. :) As I was researching different class options, I realized they were all possibly too expensive. Then I found one that was way more affordable and sounded intriguing; a 7 week class to teach you all about labor and delivery, including how to prepare and prioritize, with the end result to be fully informed of all our options while prepared for whatever kind of birth we ended up having. It was called, "Empowered Birth." I loved the idea because by this point I really wanted to try to go naturally, but was well aware of my mom having a history of an emergency c-section and an inability to deliver differently. And of course my end desire was to have a healthy baby no matter how it happened. I also know plenty of stories where how the baby comes is completely out of a person's control. So I basically decided to prepare for a natural birth while being completely surrendered to whatever was best for the baby. Some reasons for wanting to go naturally: I really wanted to participate in the labor process, rather than waiting for something to happen. I also wanted to be able to walk and move around, rather than lying in bed. Also, I had never been in a hospital for anything and wasn't too fond of drugs if I didn't require them. Finally, I didn't really want to decide what my body could or couldn't do until I tried. I like to make last minute decisions. ;) We didn't tell too many people about our desire to go naturally because as many of you know, that desire doesn't always get a ton of support. Most people don't ask, they just tell you to not even think about not getting an epidural. And I knew I needed to be really positive and stay encouraged, rather than afraid and intimidated if I was to have a shot at it at all.

So Kevin and I took our 7 week class which was awesome. We loved our teacher and we learned a TON. There is so much about being pregnant and giving birth that doctors don't teach you, so we were both amazed. We also were taught and able to practice different comfort measures, and gain enough insight to know how to go to the hospital ready to make informed decisions. We read "The Birth Partner" by Penny Simkin, which is a great book. I also wrote down the scriptures I wanted to focus on and pray during labor, we prepared our bag of "comfort measures," and we compiled a "playlist" of my favorite songs that I thought would be comforting through it. In my mind I was prepared to give it 24 hours. I was pretty sure I could take the, "I can do anything for a minute" mentality for about that long through some painful contractions. And I thought I'd have a way better chance if they weren't induction contractions, because I've heard enough people in the medical world and in our class tell me those are way more painful. That was really the one thing I was hoping not to do - be induced.

So I kind of prepared for labor mentally like I used to prepare for cross-country meets. I thought it would help to see it as an athletic event. :) I knew it would require some serious mental strength, endurance, and relying on the power of the Holy Spirit. Kevin grew more and more excited and supportive as we continued to learn. It just made sense to us and I wasn't afraid to go through some pain. Obviously, our ideal was to labor for awhile at home, then go in when I was in more active labor. I tested positive for strep b, so if my water broke I would have to go in right away and would only have 24 hrs to deliver b/c of risk of infection. So we kind of hope that didn't happen, in case it took longer than that.

It was really great to have a couple friends who had gone naturally- in blog world and in real life - email me encouragement and advice. That was so helpful for me and much appreciated. We had learned from the teacher of our class, (a licensed doula), how important it was to have a strong "birth team," because Kevin would need a break. Basically, we knew this would be hard and a lot for one person to handle. We couldn't afford a doula so we started praying God would provide just the right person to help us. One week at church we started talking to our friend Holly, (who happens to have 9 children, delivered several naturally, and was a labor and delivery nurse at our hospital for 10 years!), and she said she would be happy to help. So we praised the Lord for answering our prayer in such an amazing way!

From what we had learned and prayed about, we were at peace with waiting between 41 and 42 weeks for the baby to come without worrying, as long as everything was safe for the baby. Now keep in mind, before we got pregnant we chose our doctor largely based on the fact that she goes out of her way to deliver her own patients. We ended up building a great relationship with her too...but I knew from the beginning that being due in the summer could pose some interesting situations. Yep - very interesting at our 40 week appt. (on a Wednesday), when she hesitatingly shared that she was leaving town on Monday for a week. Surprisingly it didn't catch me too off guard. She was more upset than I was it seemed. It was kind of our first bump in the road. And we were at peace that God was in control. (We also were naive and had never been through it before, so we didn't exactly know what to expect anyway.) But we all decided I would deliver that weekend. Ha. We really wanted the baby to come when the baby was ready and in God's perfect timing, so we waited...and enjoyed our time while doing so.

When I woke up Tuesday, September 6, a day before I was 41 weeks, I knew something was a bit different with me, and I'd had a big contraction the night before. I even said to Kevin, "I think we're going to have a baby today!" It helped that we had a doctor appt. and I was sure they would say all kinds of things were happening and the baby was coming! Well, not quite. We saw a new doctor who said everything looked good and I was holding steady at 2cm and 80% effaced. She was willing to let me leave and come back on Thursday or Friday to check again. But first I needed to do a routine "non-stress" test since I was overdue. Well, I hadn't exactly remembered our doctor telling me I would have to do that, and I feel like doctors who aren't your own sometimes don't explain things as thoroughly, or know what you need to hear...so for whatever reason I was all the sudden really nervous. They put us in this little room in a chair and I was supposed to push the button everytime I felt the baby move. Oh and by the way...I hadn't had a thing to eat that morning because I was in a hurry. So I was starving. Anyway, we sat in there and I was getting ridiculously emotional, thrown off and way too nervous. I kept second guessing whether I felt the baby move or not. It took forever - over 45 min. for them to get a good reading. And apparently for a moment or so there was a deceleration of the baby's heartbeat on the monitor. Now, you never really know why this happens when it's just once...sleep patterns, moving funny, laying on the umbilical cord. A mystery. But doctors don't take chances...for good reason of course. So apparently they had collaborated and said we needed to go to the hospital and be induced by breaking my water! Like right then! Talk about coming out of left field. We were shocked and had really prepared ourselves to make really good choices and not jump to conclusions throughout this process, or get interventions if they weren't baby-in-distress necessary. So this was confusion point number 1 - what do we do? (This is when you wish your doctor was in town!!) We talked them into letting us go to the hospital to just be monitored for awhile to see if the decel happened again, because of course we weren't going to take chances with our baby. But from there we didn't know what kind of direction to take. Trust me, the people in the doctor's office had to think we were crazy to be pushing back against an instant induction at almost 41 weeks. (Keep in mind, everything about my pregnancy and the baby had been great up to this point.) So we made a few phone calls for some wise counsel and to our families, went home, finished packing our bags and cleaning up the house, then went the the hospital. It was so surreal. Not exactly how we envisioned our trip to the hospital going. To say we were praying hard is an understatement. And that was only the beginning!

(Right before we left for the hospital)

To be continued...

What I'm Loving Wednesday

2011-11-09T22:24:00.006-05:00

Today I'm loving...

1. That I took a nap today when this sweet girl did. Great choice. Too bad that was the last nap of a semi-fussy day! (For both of us - ha :)

2. That the same sweet girl was so tired that she fell asleep like this during dinner. So cute!

3. Purple toes. Um, maybe. Actually the longer I have them the more I like them. But in the picture I'm not so sure. Ha. Can you tell I'm in the middle of an identity crisis?! Last night I had a little mommy break in the way of a pedicure. It was the most wonderful hour ever - I go to a place that does the most amazing job, lasts 45 min. to an hour, and costs $25!! Joy. Not to mention Kevin recently found an old gift certificate of mine that had $15 dollars left - the other $10 was money well spent. Sometimes you just need to sit in a massage chair, close your eyes and get some pampering. I'm usually a bright pink girl through and through, except for the occasional red. Until last night. The choice to go purple for my rather untrendy self?? Myabe a little weird. I guess it's better than dying my hair black!

4. Jamie Grace. The first time we heard her now popular song, "Hold Me" was in Naples on our babymoon in April. (Now that was some bliss!) Great music for the sunshine. She writes some other happy songs too - something Selah and I can certainly dance to. Like this one.

5. This girl and the awesome walks we've taken the last few days in the beautiful Fall weather.

(See how it pays to make friends with the pool ladies before you have your baby...we were gifted this cute knit hat on our walk! Oh, and she's smiling because on this particular day I was talking to her about chlorophyll and why the leaves and seasons change. The joys of having a teacher as a mom! ;)

6. Cloth diapers. For real. I've never been a shoe girl, or even a shopping girl. But shopping for your daughter is a whole new kind of wonderful. And the cloth diaper world is turning out to be quite a fun one to be a part of. Who would have thought?! Several weeks ago I told Kevin I felt like I was playing house. (He was quick to remind me this in fact is real life:) So I guess I'm reminded of being a little girl when dressing up my babies in anything was fun! I started working on my first cloth diaper post today, so details of what's working for us are coming. I mean just look - isn't this cute!?

Softbums

7. This awesome post from "It's Almost Naptime" that my blog friend Ashleigh encouraged me with today. Just what I needed hear. Oh, the mommyhood. What an adventure of beautiful exhaustion! I love that the writer of this particular post reminds us that the perfect people who make us crazy don't really exist. So glad I'm not alone in my craziness.

8. The fact that Part 1 of Selah's birth story is written!! Coming at you tomorrow. Guess I better get part 2 finished so I don't leave you hanging for 2 more months!

Hope you had a great Wednesday!

New Mommy Tears

2011-11-08T11:58:00.004-05:00

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Isaiah 40:28-29

Being a mom can be overwhelming. Not in a negative way, just a very real one. If you are a mom this is certainly no news flash. I'm finding that it's taking me as far physically, emotionally, and spiritually as I've ever had to go yet. It's having to surrender that you just can't get it all done and keep up with everything like you sometimes feel an invisible pressure to. It's loving this little person so much and wondering often if you're always doing and being what is best for her. Teaching her enough, making the best decisions, just enjoying her. It's struggling to want to do all of this well and be a good wife or friend at the same time. I'm in the midst of a brand new opportunity to learn to have grace with myself and need grace from others. Of course I wouldn't change any of it for a minute...but a highly emotional time paired with physical exhaustion can create some interesting scenarios. For one, tears seem a whole lot more natural. Like on Sunday, when I was comforting my sweet girl and we were listening to some of my favorite songs, swaying to them in the living room, I couldn't help but have tears running down my face as I was overcome with emotion. It didn't help that I was listening to the same list of songs I listened to while I was in the hospital with her. :) Worship is even more powerful now that this little girl who has my heart is living and breathing outside my body, as it reminds me of God's creativity, beauty, and love for us. And sometimes there are tears because I think, "Can I do it all over again today?" Then I just do and I thank God for the strength.

The tears also come from loving your child so much...and being faced with the reality that God loves us even so much more than that...which seems unimaginable. I've been faced with how so very unable I am to grasp God's power and holiness. I think about this often. It truly is humbling me and forcing me to face the depth of God's love for my highly imperfect and often struggling self. I'm just so amazed at the intricate details he created in each one of us. The care he took as he crafted every unique and beautiful body and soul. I would do anything for Selah; it's my natural instinct to protect her, provide for her, comfort her, and love her. It pains me when she is sad, and it delights me when she has joy. So in a way, seeing God as having these same feelings and attributes as our Father has been what has brought me to his feet the most. Because now, more than ever, I realize how deeply He wants me to be there...and how much more often I need to go. It makes more sense than ever to me why God says He'll provide our needs - because He wants to. How it must hurt him when we take matters into our own hands and try to provide for ourselves. It takes away from another opportunity for intimacy in our relationship with Him. I don't always make wise decisions, I'm not always thinking about only what I should, and I often don't love and speak like Jesus. Then I condem myself for this...until I realize God is not condemning me; he is longing that I come to him for help.

Those first 6 weeks, when I was spending so much time sitting and feeding Selah for even more hours in a day than I do now, I realized how valuable that time was when I had her full attention and heart. So I started researching some things I could use to bring meaning to those moments and not waste them. I found an awesome storybook bible on amazon called, "The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every story whispers his name." Love, love this book!! (We loved it so much we gifted it to our nephew, planning to get another. Then the most amazing thing happened...Kevin's coworkers at church had gotten it for Selah and written sweet notes in it. Amazing! I JUST found out there's a curriculum coming out to go with it in January...hello baby homeschool :) So I started reading it to her during some of these times...and it had me crying during the story of creation! (Good thing Selah's still too young to fully grasp her mother's crazy emotional state:) The author, Sally Lloyd-Jones, depicts the Bible in the most beautiful way for young ones. But the simplicity of God's truth is something that I've found to be beautifully valuable for myself. Listen to her account of God creating man:

"But God saved the best for last. From the beginning, God had a shining dream in his heart. He would make people to share his Forever Happiness. They would be his children, and the world would be their perfect home. So God breathes life into Adam and Eve. When they opened their eyes, the first thing they ever saw was God's face. And when God saw them he was like a new dad. "You look like me," he said. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever made!" God loved them with all of his heart. And they were lovely because he loved them."

I absolutely love that. Such a beautiful reminder that God loved us first; he chose to create us and he gave us the best of himself. THEN, the story of Adam and Eve. Tears and conviction for me again...

"God had a horrible enemy. His name was Satan. Satan had once been the most beautiful angel, but he didn't want to be just an angel - he wanted to be God. He grew proud and evil and full of hate, and God had to send him out of heaven. Satan was seething with anger and looking for a way to hurt God. He wanted to stop God's plan, stop this love story, right there. So he disguised himself as a snake and waited in the garden. Now God had given Adam and Eve only one rule: 'Don't eat the fruit on that tree,' God told them. 'Because if you do, you'll think you know everything. You'll stop trusting me. And then death and sadness and tears will come.' (You see, God knew if they ate the fruit, they would think they didn't need him. And they would try to make themselves happy without him. But God knew there was no such thing as happiness without him, and life without him wouldn't be life at all.)

"As soon as the snake saw his chance he slithered up to Eve. 'Does God really love you?' the serpent whispered. 'If he does, why won't he let you eat the nice, juicy, delicious fruit? Poor you, perhaps God doesn't want you to be happy.' The snake's words hissed into her ears and sunk down deep into her heart, like poison. Does God love me? Eve wondered. Suddenly she didn't know anymore. 'Just trust me,' the serpent whispered. 'You don't need God.'....

Even picked the fruit and ate some. And Adam ate some, too. And a terrible lie came into the world. It would never leave. It would live on in every human heart, whispering to every one of God's children: 'God doesn't love me.' And it wasn't a dream; it was a nightmare."

Whew. So tragic...such a deep wound. I'm certainly thankful the story does not end there, and since then God has continued to remind and pursue his children with His love. And one glorious day we will experience that perfect home that was meant to be. Yet unfortunately doesn't that lie often still creep up and remain in our hearts?? Have we allowed that great nightmare to continue by believing Satan's angry lies? This struck me so deeply as I read to my sweet daughter and prayed she would never believe it. I know that will have so much to do with me not believing it first. Again, a time for tears...and a desperate reminder to run quickly to Jesus. Because as I sing to Selah, the words of one of my favorite songs rings true: "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace."

If you're anything like me and experiencing some weary days and wondering even a second about His "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love," as Sally Lloyd-Jones puts it, I encourage you to run quickly to Jesus and ask him to remind you.

And just because we're on the topic of tears, I can never seem to get through this song anymore without crying. Thankfully, I'm okay with that. :)

Two Months!

2011-11-05T14:42:00.001-04:00

Baby dedication day! A big bow occasion for sure :)

Okay, so in all honesty I totally wrote an entire post at 6 weeks...but never finished uploading the pics to go with it!! Actually I double posted today so it is up because I wanted to document it, complete or not. Well, when you have a newborn, two more weeks fly right by whether you like it or not. When I wrote the last post I had a 9lb baby. Now she is more than a whopping 10 lbs! Oh my goodness. My tiny dancer girl is growing up. And is as precious as ever I might add. Her chubbier little cheeks are just getting more kissable. Of course I'm as biased as any mother, but we are so in love with Selah. She amazes us with something new every single day. I have written a handful of posts in my head to document it, but they haven't made it to the computer. I'm blaming it on the fact that my sweet one is still eating every 2 1/2 to 3 hrs. around the clock. Though last week we had about 3 or 4 days when she would go a 4 to 4 1/2 hr stretch at the beginning of the night. That was just wonderful. With the lack of sleep I'm still quite tired, walking around with a foggy head, and just in general feeling lazy. Those first 4 weeks were pure adrenaline for sure. Art projects, sewing projects, blogging, baby holding all other hours of the day...definite bliss. The baby holding still remains as blissful, but everything else has taken a back step to making the bed, doing the laundry and keeping the kitchen clean. For my sanity. :)

While I'm amazed that I have a 2 month old, I'm still thankful that it's only been 2 months...because though I still might have only a handful of weeks more of wobbly head, tiny body newborn phase, I secretly love all the beautifully exhausting moments and am treasuring every one. The sleeping thing is minor.

I am so, so thankful to be home and enjoying this sweet girl of ours. Some of my favorite things are reading our children's Jesus story bible to her, talking to her and making her smile, giving her baths, dressing her up, singing her songs, taking her on walks, watching her while she sleeps, staring at her while she plays, "playing" with her, feeling her sweet skin, wearing her in one of my baby carriers, talking about how amazing she is with Kevin, dressing her up in cute clothes and cloth diapers...and feeding her. Yes, breastfeeding is going great! Glory to God for answering our prayers for sure. After working so hard those first 6 weeks - pumping after every feeding, taking herbal supplements and a prescription, visiting the lactation consultant about 5 or 6 times, supplementing her with formula, being in pain...we finally caught our rhythm at almost exactly 6 weeks. At her month appt. the doctor said I would probably always have to supplement. Which I was a little determined and hopeful to prove wrong. Then, at a little over 5 weeks, the prescription really started kicking in and I made a decision to not have the option of formula, even when she was fussy at night and we weren't sure if she was still hungry or just fussy and we had to choose how much to give her...which had been the case the first few weeks. Every feeding required us to be discerning about exactly what she needed and guessing how much she was getting from me. Whew...a lot of work. We started supplementing only with the breastmilk I had pumped, and I would just try to feed her again if she was fussy, whether I had anything or not. Then at 6 weeks and 1 day I breastfed her exclusively all day and all night...and have ever since. I am so so thankful, and praising God every day for how it has worked out and how wonderful the experience is for us now. I know that's just my situation and I completely and totally respect all others' because it is a super sensitive subject.

At two months Selah as curious as ever, loving the discovery of the world around her. She is certainly a pacifier baby, though she is discovering her fingers and thumb for longer periods of time when she has to. And she always has her hands by her face or holding on to something (like her wubbanub - the best thing ever-more to come on that!) It's so cute. I love how it seems daily she is growing in patience and trust, gradually coming out of that more panicked scream stage when she wants or needs something. It is so sweet to have her smile so big at us now and I can only imagine that will get even more sweet, especially when those smiles turn to giggles! So far she is quite snuggly and I just love that. It's a large part of why I struggle to write a post to completion! A good problem to have though in my opinion. I'm treasuring it all. I often look at her intently and just imagine having conversations with her as a toddler, as a little girl, as a teenager, and as an adult! I pray so much for this little girl and all those precious stages!! So fascinating to wonder what it will be like and know how significant each step along the way will be. I am definitely praying that God will lead us each and every step of the way and guide us to build a solid foundation.

My sweet grandma and her second great-grandaughter!!

I promise I am not quitting the blogging world. If anything I have more to write than ever!! I actually have some goals for posts this week. Like, hello - who wants to hear the birth story?! Better late than never. :) Very tough to write about such a sacred thing I'm finding. Crazy. Lately blogging has just been a priority/timing issue. I also desperately need to work out...so when I get a free moment I have to choose...hold the baby, ("pause and reflect" if you know what I mean :), finish a blog post, workout so I can wear at least one pair of pants again...hmmm, I wonder what usually wins!! For one I feel pretty exhausted with my short spurts of sleep...causing a great lack in motivation. But most importantly, how could I pass up this precious special time! It will never be like this again, I am well aware. My sweet girl had a bit of an eye infection this week and was so super cuddly...so extra snuggling it was. If God is so gracious to bless us with another child someday, those newborn days will be oh so precious as well...but not quite so still. Because guess who'll be asking mommy to play in a whole new way?? My sweet Selah girl of course.

Selah (and Mom!) at Sweet 6 Weeks!

2011-10-22T14:42:00.000-04:00

Well, my baby girl is 6 weeks old as of last Thursday!! Wow...what a journey so far! I've written a million posts in my head, and am thankful to finally be getting back to actually writing them down. Honestly, any free time last week was spent working hard on her nursery...and I'm excited to say that I'm actually close to being finished!! Crazy. Once I cut into that fabric I just couldn't stop sewing until it was complete. The changing table cover, the curtains, and the crib skirt are all finished. My last major sewing project is the crib sheet, (and a pillow if I get really ambitious), I have the mobile and one more piece of art to complete, then it's just minor details. So exciting. I rarely decorate to completion like I have with her room, so it will be a big accomplishment for me. :)

So that was last week, and the week before that I was especially tired. I feel like she really "woke up" between weeks 3 and 4, which means lots more fun awake time, but what feels like even less sleep for me. When we hit the 1 month mark Kevin and I both felt the repercussions of that first month of adrenaline. While I had adrenaline to burn those first few weeks, I reached a point where motivation was hard to come by. :) As far as alertness and discovering the world around her, that really picked up between weeks 4 and 5 as well. She hit 8lb almost right at 4 weeks, and I really learned how different an 8lb baby seems than a 6lb 12 oz baby, which is what she came home as. She's really started enjoying her swing, which I think was just a bit too overstimulating at first. But now it's funny how she'll just sit there as peaceful as can be. She also got extra smiley between weeks 4 and 5 too! She loves, loves her play mat and kicking the side to make it light up and make music. Hitting the 6 week mark has felt like a major milestone. All was well at my doctor's appt., and by the generous grace of God, feeding my baby has become so much easier. Starting on Friday we have no longer had to supplement...I am so thankful! What a joy that has been for me as I have worked ridiculously hard to get here. Totally worth it in so many ways. She is now eating about every 2 hours from the beginning of one feeding to another during the day, which I'm actually thankful for because it seems to be helping. She'll go about 3 at night. Which means I'm still only getting about 2 to sometimes 3 hrs. of sleep at a time. So the circles under my eyes remain. :) I'm adjusting to a new kind of beauty this season of my life. Including an unfortunate inability to fit into my clothes. Zumba is calling my name! Kevin and I also feel like we are entering into somewhat of a parenting rhythm with our little one which is awesome. The last two Saturdays have been beautiful, and we have been quite successful at some project completion, and feeling very domestic.:) I am preparing myself to totally soak up the next two weeks, as I can just imagine Selah will seem even so much more different as a two month old...who will probably be over 10 lbs!! Oh my.

It's been absolutely amazing to see all Selah's little changes each week. Of course my instinct is always to be sad she's changing so quickly...but I soon realize the joy in each new day and stage she's experiencing. God's creativity displayed in His creation is fascinating and more than we deserve. Right now she's sweetly asleep in my lap and I am savoring it. Because with our more efficient feeding and her waking up to the world, falling asleep in mommy's lap has become less frequent than those first sleepy days. The trade off is her ability to just "hang out" with us when she's awake. This morning she was stirring and before Kevin went to work we layed her between us and she was so sweet and fun, curiously observing and cooing at her crazy parents (and the ceiling fan of course!). We just marvel at who God has created this precious little girl to be. I just can't get enough for sure. What a blessing and a gift. She can also still squeeze into newborn size cloths, though she's especially long, so that probably won't last too much longer.

I have to say I've reflected often on my journey of not becoming a mom until being a 30 yr old, and how that was never in my original "plans." Now knowing mommyhood is amazing as I've always dreamed, I often wonder if I should be sad I didn't get to experience this much much sooner. But of course I would have it no other way. Had my story not been one of waiting I wouldn't have my incredible husband or this amazing daughter. Rather than being sad I have actually been quite thankful that God allowed my story to go as it has. He is the author of what is best for us, and I'm amazed at the thought of what a different parent I would have been even a moment sooner. I actually enjoy being a 30 yr. old first time mom, and honestly think in many ways Selah will be much better for it in my case. And I would have waited a million years just to get to be the mom of this particular little girl. Just more evidence that there's real beauty in how different each of our stories play out, no matter how that is.

So that's our 6 week update for now. Still loving every minute and hope to continue! We have a sweet little girl on our hands and she is simply a joy. She still makes the sweetest faces, her little cheeks are filling out, and her cries are much more discernible. She still grunts when she is waking up to eat, and loves movement and having her bottom patted when she's fussy. And she's always loved the swaddle, the singing and the swaying. She is an alert and curious little one for sure. Baby Love is turning out to be quite my little joy!!

The Story of Selah's Name

2011-10-11T20:55:00.001-04:00

Selah

"pause and reflect"

Okay, so finally - the background to how we named our sweet girl! If you know me at all, you know I do not make decisions quickly or easily. I actually put a crazy amount of thought, discussion, analysis, (often too much!?), and prayer into making choices...almost all choices. So particularly weighty decisions are quite an emotional experience for me. You can be sure that whenever I do choose something, I will have an explanation to go with it. (Hence the long and wordy blog post about it!) While not quite to the same extent, Kevin shares this trait with me when it comes to major decisions. So when we became pregnant in December, choosing a name for our child shot straight to the top of the prayer list. What a privilege and honor to give a name to a life God has intentionally and beautifully created! Wow - very intense for both of us. And now that all our past discussions about names applied to an actual child, it was amazing how many no longer carried enough significance to give this sweet baby. We both shared the desire for the names to be God inspired, confirmed by him, and to have depth and meaning to us. No pressure. Ha. Kevin prayed fervently and often that God would give us the name of this child He already knew. We wanted the boy's name to be biblical and strong, and it was important to me to choose something somewhat unique for the girl's name, because when I was young my name was unique and I loved it. (Page is my mom's maiden name and what she was often called in high school and college.) I have always been sure that I wouldn't be able to name a child until the last second because of my decision making struggles. :) That's why it was amazing when God led us to our names quickly and early in February - and we both were excited and had peace about them.

As I mentioned Sunday, for several years I had been familiar with "Selah" used as the name for the popular Christian music group. Love their music, but it wasn't a contributing factor when we were choosing. I also had seen it was in the Psalms but had never really studied it. Last summer we took the most amazing, life changing trip ever to Israel...it was incredible. I'm still just in awe of everything we were able to experience there, and all God taught us. Such a blessing to get to walk where Jesus walked, in the Holy Land. The bible truly came to life for us in an entirely different way after that trip, and we made some powerful relationships with a few people there. While we were there Kevin and I joked about if we happened to become pregnant while there...which led to all kinds of different Hebrew and biblical choices, (some quite interesting ;), that we could use to name our first child. It was all just in theory, keep in mind.

While there we were also able to visit the Dead Sea, (which was awesome!), and at some point we bought this bottle of lotion with Dead Sea minerals in it...and it was given the name 'Selah.'

We found out we were pregnant right before Christmas, and in the midst of going through boxes looking for Christmas decorations and our nativity we bought from Israel, I came across the 'Selah' lotion and set it out by the kitchen sink. I non-chalantly said, "Hey, if it's a girl we could name her Selah." I'm not sure what Kevin said at that point, but that was pretty much the end of it for a couple weeks besides adding it to the list and prating about it.

From the very beginning of our pregnancy we would spend time praying scripture over our sweet baby...often the Psalms. Many of the scriptures in this book have been pretty powerful in Kevin's studies and significant in our family this past year. One Sunday at the end of January we were sitting in church and a reference to a scripture in Psalms was made. As I was reading it I came across 'selah' again, and decided to look through and find all of them that I could, and do some research on it later. In the NIV version of the bible the notes simply say, "unknown meaning." Not exactly what we were looking for in a name. ;) When I researched it at home, I discovered that it's a Hebrew word meaning 'to pause and reflect,' and is essentially a musical term, used in the midst of the songs in the Psalms. It is asking the reader to stop and think about what was just said, (or sung), considering the weight and depth of the meaning. Love, love, love that. Kevin loved it too.

Selah (Hebrew: סֶלָה‎, also transliterated as selāh) is a word used frequently in the Hebrew Bible, often in the Psalms, and is a difficult concept to translate. (It should not be confused with the Hebrew word sela‘ (Hebrew: סֶלַע‎) which means "rock.") It is probably either a liturgico-musical mark or an instruction on the reading of the text, something like "stop and listen". "Selah" can also be used to indicate that there is to be a musical interlude at that point in the Psalm.[1] The Amplified Bible states Selah as "pause, and think of that". (from Wikipedia)

I also love this additional and 'modern' interpretation:

BDB shows that the main derivation of the Hebrew word "selah" is found through the fientive verb root סֶ֜לָה which means "to lift up (voices)" or "to exalt", and also carries a close connotational relationship to the verb סָלַל, which is similar in meaning - "to lift up" or "to cast up". The word סֶלָה, which shifts the accent back to the last syllable of the verb form, indicates that in this context, the verb is being used in the imperative mood as somewhat of a directive to the reader. As such, perhaps the most instructive way to view the use of this word, particularly in the context of the Psalms, would be as the writer's instruction to the reader to pause and exalt the Lord.[4]

One of my favorite verses, and one that has been most significant in my life is Psalms 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." I have referenced it on my blog several times, as well as my favorite song, "Be Still and Know," by Steven Curtis Chapman. God has taught me no greater lesson in the 30 years of my life so far than to trust Him. (The "adrenaline rush of trust" as I call it. :) It has been an amazing journey, difficult at times, and I haven't always handled the lessons beautifully. I also know that while I may not like it, the journey to trust is a lifelong one. But God of course remains faithful, and learning to trust him has been a powerful experience over and over in my life. I love the line in that song that says, "Bow before the Prince of Peace, let the noise and clamor cease." That is exactly what I wanted to do right after I had a baby. It has always been one of the greatest desires of my heart to have a gentle and quiet spirit...to fully trust God with a heart and mind at peace. Having desired a child for as long as I can remember, I knew that every time I would look at this sweet baby I would be in awe of what God has done...and with the name Selah, we would be reminded to "pause and reflect," to be still, be amazed, and acknowledge that he is God. And with the crazy journey we experienced with our home situation and other life circumstances during our pregnancy, it was obvious how deeply God was calling us to trust him with our whole hearts over and over. Pregancy alone calls you to that on a moment by moment basis, entrusting him with this precious life he's knitting together.

And that is what our sweet baby Selah is. A precious life we have been entrusted with that we are asked to trust God with. She is his beautiful creation, and we pray we can enjoy her for a long, long time here on earth. All summer long, at the end of my pregnancy, I started each quiet time (by the pool!) reading the Psalms, especially because of the girl name we had chosen. It definitely did great things for my bible study. :) There were a few verses I used as comfort measures during labor, (the story I'll share next!), and especially at the end, right before Selah was born, Kevin and I were literally both crying and calling on God in prayer. I remember being convicted about how once again God was asking us to surrender and trust Him. To be still and know that he is God. (That should have been my first clue she was a girl!!;) Then sweet Selah was born.

I remember when she was laid on my chest and I found out she was a girl, I instantly wanted to say her name...but had held it in for so long that I hesitated. (And we wanted to tell our family). It was sweet and funny at the same time...but instantly confirmed. It is certainly and wonderfully true that I cannot look at this sweet amazing little blessing without taking a pause and reflecting on the depth of all God has done. He is amazing...and she is a gift. What a sweet bonus blessing that she's a girl...because I get to share this story.

And that, my friends, is how our sweet Selah girl got her name.

Thank you Lord for this beautiful girl, and her very special name.

My favorite lines:

"Consider all that he has done, stand in awe and be amazed, know that he will never change."

"Come rest your head upon his breast; listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love...beating for his little ones, calling each of us to come...be still."

Miscellany Monday

2011-10-10T13:27:00.001-04:00

Good morning...or afternoon - the time of day often alludes me anymore. :) Except when I'm feeding a certain little miss - then every second counts. I'm happy to be linking up with Carissa and back to sharing some miscellany on a Monday!

1. Wonderfully weary. I.am.TIRED. You know, in a good, crazy in love with my little one kind of way. But wow - her little 4 week old self is very interested in the world around her, very hungry, and not nearly as interested in sleeping. 30 yr. old mommy, however, still loves a little shut eye. (30 something daddy wouldn't argue this either!) :) The adrenaline of that first month definitely catches up to you. Still definitely not wishing this sweet time away. I do love these quiet weekdays we have together...starting with our sweet morning reading time. I love babies in the morning! So wonderful to hear all her new little sounds and watch her discover the world. Fascinating and amazing. Today I'm obsessed with her precious feet and her squishy cheeks. (I was testing to see how asleep she was...so I kissed her cheek...everytime I did it she would just give me a big sleepy smile. Love that. :)

2. Fabulous photo shoot. On Saturday Selah had some photos taken by a sweet friend of ours who also took our maternity photos and photographed the birth. I can't wait to take the time to look at the journey of Selah's life so far and enjoy the amazing pictures that have been taken to capture it all. Our little girl did awesome for her photo shoot - it was in the morning so she was wide-eyed...but content, so they are going to be so precious. Can't wait. It's amazing how awesome it is to no longer care as much about how I look in photos because my little super star is the main attraction. Love that. Well, maybe I shouldn't have cared in the first place...life long journey to put to death that vanity. ;) By the way, this little accessory was used for the photos...SO CUTE!! Thank you Etsy.

3. Marriage recharge. After our photo shoot Selah then blessed her parents by sleeping soundly...so we could enjoy a "surviving the first month of parenthood" celebration breakfast at Wild Eggs - one of our favorite places. Yum. I had the BEST meal - the Farmer's Market skillet with basted eggs. Seriously, perfect in every way. All kinds of cooked veggies on the bottom along with skillet potatoes, then covered in cheese and finally topped with two perfectly cooked eggs. Loved every bite. It's also amazing how a conversation with your husband can be really good for your marriage. It was like a marital regrouping session. Much needed. Thank you Lord for a sleepy baby.

(source)

4. Pretty projects. I am working hard on all my little projects for the nursery. Truly might be the end of this month or sometime in November before I'm fully finished, but before she's 3 months old is a good goal I think. It's crazy how sometimes I think about what I might have done differently if I had known she was a girl. But I'm excited about following through with my bright, whimsical, and happy nursery. So thankful to be able to add those pops of raspberry pink to an aqua, yellow, and gray pallette. Ooooh, can't wait to see how it turns out! I have materials for the bunting prepared to sew, Kevin just cleaned up and painted a changing table we thrifted, we have the dresser that we are going to redo and paint a yummy shade of pink - (thank you Pinterest!), and I have big plans to sew the curtains this week and maybe make the diy canvas bins for the changing table. Whew. That would be a wonderful accomplishment. I've got to be honest though...I'm so nervous to cut all my fabric! Still planning to sew the changing table cover, the crib skirt, and eventually a crib sheet. Um, did I mention I have a newborn baby! Ha.

5. In the cloth club. Love the cloth diapering...seriously. Friday I used them for an entire day to figure out my system, and it was great! I took all my pictures for that post...so it's coming. Here's my preview: Bummis Easy Fits are my favorites! I will say it's not for everyone. Besides the oodles of money we will save, I like putting those healthy fabrics on her tush, and I prefer it to the diaper trash. Though we are in the heavy season for that. At least 12-15 diapers a day is admittedly a lot. I'm learning newbie parents often change their baby...right before the big poo comes. So back-to-back changes add to the trash load. :) I will say disposables are convenient and also a perfectly wonderful choice for those that prefer them for diapering a little bum. We actually have used them two days in a row because we needed to use aquaphor to clear up some irritable bum, as I like to call it. I know it will ruin my cloth diapers if I use those ointments with them, so I had to put that on pause. Flexibility is key with all these new mommy choices. I do have some Grandma El's diaper rash cream coming, which is supposed to be awesome and safe for cloth. By the way, it just so happens that the only chore I don't have an aversion to is laundry...which is a must for cloth diapering, and probably a big part of my being a big fan. With what I have now, I have to do a load a day in order to use cloth all day long. I'm definitely learning in every bit of parenting to respect each and every person's personal preference...because we all like doing it differently and that's all perfectly wonderful!

Don't judge her acceptance of these by her face. Ha.

6. Lights, Camera, action. Kevin and I were graciously blessed with some Target gift cards at our baby showers, and I just returned a bag or so of stuff...so we are thinking it might be time to invest in our first DSLR camera! Needless to say, I am EXCITED. (A little nervous too maybe??) I love taking photos and I've always wanted to learn how to do it right. This is a big decision though, I have to say. We've never had a camera like that. Due to a sale, our gift cards, and reviews, we are leaning toward the Nikon D3100. Thoughts?? I know their can be quite a debate between Canon or Nikon. I'd love to hear any opinions out there if there are some. I'm a little intimidated and overwhelmed by the decision...because this camera will need to be enjoyed for a looong time. Advice welcomed. :) (Also, what's your favorite online site for housing your photos? (Flicker, Google Picasa, etc.) Also on our list of things to set up.)

7. Dark chocolate deliciousness. Have you ever had these?? I could eat them for a meal. (But I promise, I haven't. I don't
think:). We got them at Costco. YUM.

8. Love her. Baby girl is grunting and waking...time to wrap it up. I'm learning the fabulous art of super fast blogging. Might leave out a few details and not quite have time for checking for grammatical errors anymore, so please forgive me. Going to work on writing about her name and the birth during some spare moments today too. Will pair nicely with some journal writing...gotta get these memories and prayers on paper! :)

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Happy Monday!

Song for the Sabbath - "Selah" Style

2011-10-09T12:15:00.006-04:00

My sweet girl and I had a little worship session to some "Selah" music this morning. I've always loved their music, and I'm thinking they were probably my first experience with seeing Selah used as a name several years ago, though the inspiration for using it for our daughter came much later. (And I will be sharing the rest of those details this week!) I almost used their version of a song that I posted early in our pregnancy and right after we'd decided on names, but Kevin said it might be too much of a hint. :) I listened to their hymn cd a lot throughout my pregnancy, especially that incredible version of "I Need Thee Every Hour." Wow. Having a great love of music, I love that our little one shares her name with a group that sings such powerful, beautiful songs of worship. Hopefully she will love it some day as well. This song was an especially powerful one during my labor and after delivering my own special Selah. Have a beautiful, restful Sabbath!

My 1 Month Old and a Pinterest Project!!

2011-10-06T13:12:00.002-04:00

Well hello - can you believe I have a one month old little girl?! I have honestly tried to squeeze every moment out of every day, so it doesn't quite feel like it's gone in a blink...but it definitely has gone by fast! Little miss sweet Selah is just pure delight! And how much fun that she found her voice and started noticing the world around her between 2 and 3 weeks! So cute to see her start noticing everything, and finding joy in her discoveries. I know that's why every age and stage will be special in its own way. Because while I loved the super sleepy, squishy, and quiet first days, I'm also loving the ones that are more lively and filled with personality. The sleep is less, (for both of us I think!), but the smiles and coos are more. So sweet. Selah is a happy little baby, seemingly filled with sunshine. Don't get me wrong...underfeed the poor girl and she'll let you know how she feels with a wide mouth and a red face! I prayed so often during pregnancy for my sweet one to be filled with the spirit and to be filled with the fruit of the spirit. So when she's joyful I often reflect on those prayers and praise the Lord.

The further I get from them, the more I appreciate those first couple weeks...when recovery demands rest and there is zero pressure (for me at least!) to address anything else that might need to be done. I don't know how often I put her down, but it sure wasn't much. So worth waiting for and I just can't ever get enough. This past week those mothering/domesticated instincts kick in...for me. And during those precious, priceless naptime hours I have to become a master prioritizer. Do I do the things I need or want to do...sleep, exercise, eat, craft, journal...or do I address what needs to be done...dishes, laundry, the nursery, cleaning. A choice always has to be made. (Looks like blogging won a few minutes of this one!) And sometimes the best choice is to watch my baby sleep or hold her during the nap! I love those times...and know I will miss them more than anything else I could be doing!!

Bath #2 was much happier than the first!

We are figuring it out little by little, and dare I say we at times have a bit of a routine. A couple days she has taken a morning and afternoon nap and we've had some fun during "play time." The last two nights she has slept in shorter spurts but has been able to go back to sleep with just me feeding her (without having to supplement)...which is awesome! It makes the feedings seem much more peaceful and go more smoothly, so I am thankful for that. I'm staring at her sleeping now and she's just so wonderful. What a joy. She doesn't even cry when she needs to get up at night. She grunts. No kidding. It's the cutest thing ever. Now, she does cry when we change her diaper and start to take to long! :) Soon I'm going to post about some of my favorites that have worked great for her, AND my thoughts on cloth diapering!! I have partially done some form of cloth diapering since the beginning...and I love it. But of course I have my ever forming opinions!!

OH, and we took our first venture out the other day - it was hilarious. I was such a typical first time mom, sweating at the thought of her waking up and screaming in Target or Michael's. I even did RETURNS at Target no less. Yikes. And did you know the carts in Michael's are miniature?? No baby carrier is fitting in that thing! That was definitely a workout. She was a champ though. And I also managed without a major meltdown, so yay me too. Ha. I should also clarify after my last post that I have managed to take a shower at some point every day and I wash my hair every other. Please always keep in mind that I tend toward the dramatic. (Like I need to tell you this!) So while the hygiene is hard to come by, I do make it happen!! ;)

Okay, now for the fun...my first Pinterest project!! I love that the gals over at Lemon Tree Creations are hosting a Pinterest Project linky party and I've been excited all week to post mine. I love Pinterest so much because I'm so visual...so now I complete projects because I have them organized in one place and I don't forget about them. I know everyone has seen and delighted in that awesome melted crayon art...so I made my own! And I am loving it...can't wait to put it up in the nursery of my sweet girl. I added some lyrics from John Mayer's song about fathers and daughers. This was so much fun to make - seriously try it! Just know that the closer you hold the dryer to the crayons, the further down it drips...or so I found. Here's the link to the crayon project I pinned. And here's the link to my boards. Happy pinning!

You Might Be a New Mom If...

2011-09-30T23:08:00.001-04:00

- A "good day" means you took a shower AND put on makeup. (Hair washing = REALLY good day - a.k.a. husband is home. :)

- When you took that shower it was the fastest one of your life and there's a baby in her rock n play in the bathroom...and you're praying she doesn't wake up yet!

- The glider is your new best friend.

- You listen to Praise Baby because it's calming to YOU.

- When the baby does go to sleep you find yourself SPEED WALKING from one end of the house to the other trying to get stuff done. (Then yes, your body has something to say about moving that fast!)

- When you sit down to feed the sweet baby you run through the list in your mind...did I eat? Did I shower? Does the dog need to go out? How many dirty/wet diapers has she had today? Who have I yet again forgot to call/email/facebook back? Do I have anything non-maternity to wear in public...that actually fits?! Oh, and how IS my husband today??

- When you do get a chance to eat dinner with your husband while the baby's sleeping, you have to discipline yourself not to talk about breastfeeding or that precious and beautiful baby. Seriously, what did we used to talk about?!

- You hope no one spontaneously comes to the door...because 9 out of 10 times there's a good chance you're not fully clothed.

- You think watching a new little human sleep to be the most beautiful, blissful thing in the world.

- When your husband takes you to the doctor's office those first couple weeks you get "dressed up." And when you leave you desperately think of where else you could go to feel like a functioning member of society again.

- Your iphone has at least a hundred pictures of the most beautiful sleeping baby on it.

- You cry at all the Pampers commercials. Yes, a baby changes everything. :)

- You get a random headache in the middle of the day and ask yourself, "Why am I so tired?"

- You have to tell yourself that one day you do have to return to the front seat and sit next to your husband in the car.

- You've never prayed harder in your entire life.

- When you ask your husband to please get you some breast pads, he responds with, "Oh, are those what I find lying around everywhere?" (First week stuff of course :)

- If you had to choose one toiletry item to take with you somewhere...it would be medela lanolin.

- You realize that the moms who are getting a whole lot done are the ones who one day decided they could live on a whole lot less sleep. (I'm not quite there yet ;)

- You finally grasp the meaning of being thankful in all circumstances...because it is an absolute privilege to endure and adjust to whatever necessary in honor of the amazing little life you've been entrusted with.

- If you're like me, you wake up each day feeling like you just landed your dream job...and the longevity is prayerfully promising.

- You wouldn't change a thing.

I'm a new mom...and I'm loving it. :)

On Motherhood

2011-09-29T18:42:00.000-04:00

My grandma lovingly made this beautiful cross-stitch for my mom many years ago...and now it has been passed on to me. It so wonderfully sums up my heart and my days with my special sweet baby Selah. Becoming a mom has been an overwhelmingly joyful experience...having waited so many years for this dream to come true makes it all the more sweeter. Even as I'm writing this I think of all the things I've wanted to put in a post lately, but now it's difficult to put into words. I have spent the last three weeks snuggling and soaking up all the squishy, squeaky wonderfulness that is my daughter. That first week at home was crazy...recovering from giving birth, learning how to feed this tiny person, trying to remember to eat, exhausted from such little sleep, the adrenaline of being overwhelmed with gratitude for this gift. Seriously, my excitement over having our sweet little baby home felt much like the week after I found out I was pregnant...I was so excited and thankful I couldn't sleep. That's how it was when we first came home. Kevin would tell me to go lay down for a bit and I would just lay there saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," over and over to God. Then I'd get up to go hold my precious baby. :)

Dance time with Daddy :)

The second week was filled with a couple dr. appts, a couple sessions with the lactation consultant, and a whole lot of feeding...trying to put some weight on my little one. If I read your blog and you breastfeed, I might just be emailing you soon. I am determined to persevere and I so enjoy it...I really am hoping to feed her that way for a long time...it's just thrown me quite a learning curve with some unpredictable scenarios. Definitely a full time job - but the best kind in my opinion! I've had a bit of a struggle with milk supply more than anything, so any feedback or encouragement from any of you who have been down this road and got it to work for you eventually would be much appreciated! :) (Though I think I'm trying every trick in the book!) Now we're at the end of our third week together, getting into somewhat of a rhythm, and being fully initiated into motherhood with some projectile poo the other day. :) That's what mommy gets for changing that diaper a moment too soon!

I don't believe you can spoil a newborn baby...I do believe in loving abundantly and holding a lot and savoring such a special, short lived time. I even prayed that God would allow me to have long days filled with memories and special moments with her these first weeks - because I know all too well, even without fully experiencing it yet, that she will be so different in such a short time. Even when she's sleeping I reach over and lightly feel her tummy to make sure she's breathing...what seems like a million times a day and night. I just so love this fragile, beautiful and delicate little life and I don't want to miss a second. I read several blogs of new moms and wonder how in the world you all now have 7 month old babies!!?? I feel like I was just the one waiting on all their arrivals!

Selah makes the best facial expressions - in her sleep, when she's waking up, and recently when she's awake. We have seen her smile in her sleep so many times - and it is precious. Today she was sleeping in my arms and I was on the phone with a friend...when I laughed she made the sweetest giggly face - it was awesome. She is quite curious, yet so peaceful at the same time. Even when she was born she had her eyes wide open when they laid her on my chest. Checking me out and quietly looking for love from the beginning. She especially gets a kick out of her daddy when he reads to her and talks to her on his lap after work. She is an amazing sleeper - (which of course caused us a little freaking out at first!:), and only seems to scream when she's hungry...which is why we're definitely thankful we figured out early on that she wasn't quite getting enough to eat with just what I was able to give her. I am praying hard that won't always be the case. She loves being swaddled, she enjoys car rides and walks in the stroller, and she loves being held close and rocked. When her tummy hurts she prefers daddy's special football hold.

I love everything about this little girl...and I'm still getting to know her. It is quite amazing how quickly it's hard to remember life without her. Pregnancy feels like a million years ago. Can you believe all that time I had a little girl growing inside me?? I certainly didn't know or was never really honest about how much I have always wanted a daughter...until I had one. We adore having a little girl...and since it's still pretty new to me I have moments of seeing something cute or girly and getting excited about the fact that I'm part of that world now too!! About pregnancy...I did love it so much...I felt so good with my baby belly all the way to the very end. That has definitely been confirmed now that I'm left with my post baby body...funny how it doesn't matter if you lose 18 lbs in the week or two after giving birth - what remains certainly begs for some serious work, and the leftover pounds hang on for dear life! :) Now that I can see my thighs again I'm reminded of them too. Ha. Totally worth it of course. And the several stretch marks I didn't get until the last few weeks but that will be with me forever will always be a beautiful reminder of the special season God was knitting Selah together. That was an amazing time...and life with sweet Selah in my arms is even more so.

New baby days are not all daisies and roses, don't get me wrong. (And I'd be happy to talk in more detail about those dandelions if you'd like to email me and chat about it. :) Today is actually the first day I have my mind and thoughts together as much as I do! I certainly have had my fair share of irritability and emotional breakdowns. (Kevin has learned quickly not to say much when I'm pumping. Ha.) And I've quickly grown a mother's heart as I'm often overcome with an overwhelming desire to make every right decision for my daughter. This is truly a new season and time to live in and offer grace. All that said, I do choose to focus more on the daisies than the dandelions. Because when God does an amazing work like creating new life, it is too powerful and priceless to miss. For me, it's years and years of dreaming and praying coming true. Ironically, just like I said in my last post before I had my sweet girl, this is a time to "savor and be still." And to once again give God the glory for what He has done.

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3 NASB

I will share soon about her name and her crazy amazing birth story...I just had to get my heart out before too many days go by!

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice...

2011-09-22T04:16:00.000-04:00

That's what little GIRLS are made of!!!

Look who God has graciously and abundantly blessed us with...our precious and prayed for Baby Love,

who is a beautiful, amazing daughter!

I'm excited to finally introduce you to...

Selah Page

7 lb 4 oz.

20 1/2 in.

9:48 am

9-8-11

(I wore this dress as a newborn...it was her coming home outfit!)

We are in love and consumed with our sweet Selah girl. Delivering and meeting her was the most powerful experience of my life by far. I can't wait to share the birth story, the inspiration for and meaning behind her name, and the beginning of our adventure together with you! Thank you for your prayers...God is so faithful and we give Him all the glory for this new life!!!

The Wonder and Weight of Waiting

2011-09-05T20:55:00.003-04:00

I have to be honest with you...you already know how ridiculously excited I am to meet this baby...but I'm really finding great peace and joy in this "waiting for baby" process. The first day or two felt weird, like I was "late" for something, the next couple days felt like bonus free time, and now I'm in the "savor and be still" stage. (Though I have my moments...particularly when the dreams get weirder and WAY more real! :)

Today I strapped on my more supportive Teva sandals and enjoyed an hour long walk (without waddling!) with Chai on our favorite trail. I savored the fascination of this full term baby snuggled and squished in my belly, being rocked to sleep with every step, and as physically close to my heart as he or she will ever be. I was overwhelmed in amazement that in a matter of weeks, (prayerfully!), I could be pushing this very baby in stroller, having to take breaks to make sure he or she is warm enough, fed enough, or changed. Even when it feels slow, life happens so quickly. So I certainly don't want to miss right now.

I was able to do some great thinking and reflecting about the times in my life I've had to endure the waiting...or the times of waiting others in my life are enduring right now. It's crazy how stories of others' experiences can at times be overwhelming when you're in the thick of pregnancy craziness...but now, when strangers ask me when I'm due and I tell them last Wednesday, their stories are actually the comforting ones, as so many tell me how long they had to wait! Makes me feel a little more normal, instead of like I'm missing the party or something.:)

Isn't it difficult at almost all stages of life to wait?? As children we struggle with waiting our turn, or sacrificing our own instant gratification for that of another, and waiting on our parents when they say, "Not now." (Actually, this is kind of true of adults too...yikes!) As teens we just want to grow up, be respected, be included, be loved. We think if we could just get out of that stage of life we'd get there. Then, if you're me, you go to college and wait to be pursued, or "wait" for all your dreams to come true and prayers to be answered. Sure, we try to follow God's lead and take the appropriate action steps, but often our hearts still feel like they're enduring the elevator music when we've been put on hold on the phone. Then we "wait" or endure the search for the just right job, or the next direction we're supposed to go. Or for the promised rental home you're waiting for while pregnant with your first child. Pray and wait, pray and wait...it can start to feel quite rhythmic if it lasts long enough.

But today, like so many times before, God convicted me with the richness that's to be found in the waiting process. It's the finite, one piece of the puzzle principle. We can and will only ever be able to see small pieces of the puzzle at a time, until it is complete and we can view with God the whole picture. Though often, when it is complete, it's a masterpiece and we feel silly for freaking out and throwing our tantrums because we couldn't see it sooner.

There's no doubt those times can be incredibly tough and pain-filled, sometimes demanding moments of grieving over unmet expectations or the loss of the ideal while we're in the throws of the wait. Times when it just doesn't make sense this side of Heaven, and it feels more than we can bear. Especially when it comes to waiting to conceive, longing to be married and have a family, waiting for a loved one to be healed, or waiting for healing yourself. This is when we cry out to God from our depths and have to get real honest with our desperate need for His peace that passes all understanding. I completed a bible study on Exodus this year called God-Seeker. At one point, after highlighting the amazing verse that says Moses changed God's mind when He became angry and wanted to destory the people who had turned from Him, (Exodus 32:14), she asks the reader, "Who are you storming the gates of Heaven for?" This entire pregnancy I have been more drawn than ever to "storm the gates of Heaven" for so many. Like little Kate McRae who is only 7 years old yet has battled a brutal and awful cancer for two years. Or my blog friend Amy, who has also battled this ugly disease for a year now, yet has remained so faithful and honest with her almighty God. And now a family friend and co-worker of Kevin's who recently began his fight with what seems like an ugly and unfair cancer diagnosis. And a family member who has been desperate to conceive another child, praying for God to hear their requests as they long to add to their family for His glory. The stories could go on and on...the waiting can seem and feel awful and heartbreaking. So gut-wrenching and difficult for any of us to make any sense of.

Our pastor shared a great quote a couple Sundays ago during his sermon on prayer. He said something like, "We shouldn't make requests of God when we're not willing to also take action ourselves." I have thought about this over and over, particularly when I am sharing my petitions with God and have to question what I could be doing to be available for Him to use in order to answer the request. Like if I see or hear about people who are hurting and am immediately compelled to call out to Jesus on their behalf. I now also start reflecting on how He might be wanting to use me to bring comfort. Though I know I must choose to be willing and take action.

I will never forget the moment my persepective on "waiting for a husband" changed pretty dramatically. I had longed to be a wife and mom my whole life, and I felt like it was what I was created to do. I prayed and surrendered over and over, and I believed God placed that desire in my heart and wanted to answer my requests. But I couldn't see far enough in front of me to really get it. So I kept making choices and looking at my life in my early and mid twenties in terms of, "Well, in 2 years I'll probably be married, so I should or shouldn't choose this." And I'm even talking little stuff like buying a set of dishes, new silverware, (instead of using my mom's old), or investing in the comforter cover I really wanted. (Bright colored multi-striped!) I would think, "Well I wouldn't want to get something my husband wouldn't like, so I'll just wait." Crazy!! This is the perfect, (even if seemingly ridiculous) example of fixating on only a small piece of the puzzle. I think I was about 24 or 25 when this realization dawned on me, and I immediately decided to take a different course of action. I decided to savor the moment and live now. I bought a set of white IKEA dishes that I loved, and the comforter cover and shams, (and pink sheets!) from The Company Store I had really been wanting, so I could finally make my bed and decorate like an adult. And wouldn't you know it...3 or 4 years after that, God brought the amazing man He had for me into my life and we got married. And up until last week we have used that bright striped comforter cover! Ha! Turns out it didn't even matter! (Don't worry, I have worked hard to create a sacred space for us - without that cover - in this new home. :) Also, we are still using and love those white IKEA dishes as our only set. We didn't even register for dishes because of them!

Those might be minor and silly examples, but they will always be a huge lesson for me. During the years I was feeling the most discouraged about wanting to be married, Kevin was not even yet a Christian. I wouldn't have even considered him as a potential husband. Yet today he is a phenomenal and God-seeking man. God has done a powerful and amazing work in his life, and I am changed so grateful for it! He leads our family well, disciples others as his job, and is more than I could have ever asked for or imagined....and I asked for and imagined a lot!

What's on my heart that motivated this post is this: God is sovereign and we are not. He is our Creator and we are His creation. He loves us more than we can imagine, but while on earth, we will never not be small and human. He knows how the puzzle fits together and why. We would be foolish not to trust. Which reminds me, we also just recently had to make a tough decision about my job. Very long story, but at the end of the day, we prayed and were at peace with me making the difficult decision to walk away, regardless of the potential for circumstantial fear that might pose. Wouldn't you know it, a few days after that decision was made on our part, the family took a new position and relocated to California! Ha! Thank you God for confirmation of that decision.

It amuses me how theoretical and analytical we can get about life...and it must amuse God how often we try to understand and explain the details of why things are the way they are...rather than surrender and savor what He has for us in the middle of it. Which is what I'm doing now. I don't know when this sweet baby will come. But I know he or she will. I don't know what he or she will look like...but I guarantee you I'll say this baby is the most beautiful creation I've ever laid eyes on. I don't know how labor and delivery will go, but God has known since He started knitting this baby together. I do know that I have confidence in Christ, I trust Him, and I am praying fervently to Him about the whole process. Even when it's hard, I know He is in control and I just can't be. I am praising Him for the depth and richness He has given me while reflecting during these "extra days" of waiting. The Israelites wandered and waited in the desert for 40 years. And not without grumbling and wanting to give up, I might add. Sometime I'll have Kevin do a guest post on how much God has taught him during these 9 months through that story. If they had known what the Promised Land would behold, don't you think the waiting would have been so much easier? But then again, they would have never had to trust. They would have missed out on seeing the magnificent beauty of God's provision and answered promises...and they would have missed that He is to get all the glory.

Check out this admittedly heavy but ridiculously rich quote I just found in C.S. Lewis' article or sermon, The Weight of Glory, referring to how we think about God and how He thinks about us:

"In the end that Face which is the delight or the terror of the universe must be turned upon each of us either with one expression or with the other, either conferring glory inexpressible or inflicting shame that can never be cured or disguised. I read in a periodical the other day that the fundamental thing is how we think of God. By God Himself, it is not! How God thinks of us is not only more important, but infinitely more important. Indeed, how we think of Him is of no importance except in so far as it is related to how He thinks of us. It is written that we shall “stand before” Him, shall appear, shall be inspected. The promise of glory is the promise, almost incredible and only possible by the work of Christ, that some of us, that any of us who really chooses, shall actually survive that examination, shall find approval, shall please God. To please God...to be a real ingredient in the divine happiness...to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son—it seems impossible, a weight or burden of glory which our thoughts can hardly sustain. But so it is." WOW. (I just came across this, but will be reading it and reflecting on it so much more!! I can hardly wait to read the whole sermon!)

My doctor just left for vacation today. Much of the reason we chose this doctor is because she does whatever it takes to deliver each and every one of her own patients. Yet when she hesitatingly told me last week this might happen, it surprisingly didn't phase me a bit. For whatever reason, it seemed like I knew it was coming. God has done a real work in my heart during this pregnancy, squeezing out any desire of mine to be in control. I am constantly reminded that He is everything, and I am nothing without Him. And Kevin has reminded me, we have prayed the whole time, and God knew this scenario and how it would play out from the beginning. I've been reminded that my faith, hope, and trust for the growth and delivery of this baby has never been in the doctor...it is in God alone. That is the only way that He gets what He deserves...all the glory.

So my encouragement to you while you wait...or while others seem to be anxiously waiting for you ;)...give him all the glory, right where you are; be grateful and savor whatever He has to teach you in the unknown. I pray you'll be joy-filled in simply knowing that you are delighted in by the One who made you. And when the tears come because it seems too painful to bear...let them fall. That's often when our Hero and his love shines the most.

Psalm 115:1 - "Not to us, LORD, not to us

but to your name be the glory,

because of your love and faithfulness."

Song for the Sabbath

2011-09-04T11:21:00.000-04:00

LOVE this song!! This summer our church did a beautiful service centered around the message of this song. Hope you are encouraged and uplifted on this beautiful Sunday!

"Extra Recess"

2011-09-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

So what does a pregnant lady do when she's overdue?? She embraces what I'm affectionately referring to as "extra recess." While I know meeting this little baby will be more fun than I can imagine, I am definitely choosing to make the most of this "overtime" Kevin and I are sharing. As two people who tend to have plenty to do last minute, (I'm trying not to call us procrastinators:), a few or more extra days doesn't hurt. Also, while many of you might start telling me to walk like crazy, unfortunately my first injury of the pregnancy just came on a few days ago...the ball of my foot throbs pretty excruciatingly when I walk on it. Probably the result of carrying around an extra 25 or so pounds and wearing sandals with horrible support all summer. Anyway, walking isn't currently easy. But here's a list of some other fun ways we're spending on time waiting on God's exciting and perfect timing:

* Enjoying a "date-a-day" with Kevin, eating at our favorite places and getting out and about. So far we've had an amazing dinner, an awesome breakfast, and a dessert night. We are trying to plan some other favorites for each day...a pre-baby bucket list...we'll see how far we get. :)

* Lots of pre-baby pool time for the pregnant lady. SO.MUCH.FUN. All summer I've embraced the peaceful times I've spent reflecting, reading, and praying while floating in the pool. I just love being in the water. Kevin and I had it all to ourselves for about an hour and a half tonight while the sun was going down. I hated to even get out. We have made many fun memories the last couple summers enjoying great talks and swimming together in the pool. Also, I haven't exactly mentioned that the place we just moved to is a patio home community...a.k.a...the average age of the residents is probably older than our parents. :) But let me tell you, that makes for some FUN conversation with the afternoon ladies. I was blessed to hear some great stories yesterday, including the tales of the dancing they do often with their hubbies...the waltz and polka...LOVE IT. So sweet. And of course they are so excited about the baby...they especially loved that I was taking it easy for a few hours at the pool when I could be having a baby at any moment.

*A trip to the mall - I'm having that last minute anxiety over wondering if I have just the right outfit for a boy or girl - so silly, I know. Another result of not knowing what this sweet one is and freaking out about not being prepared. At least I know I'm acting crazy. And we did not buy anything...but it was therapeutic to look.

*Catching up on all the new mommy reading I haven't yet finished in all my preparations.

*Reading non-'new mommy' books...like "One Thousand Gifts." I've had it all summer, but have yet to finish it. Such an amazing book to draw you to live in gratitude as a first resonse. I know it's well known in the blog world, I've just been slow going in getting it read!

*Replenishing my makeup and maybe throwing in a new sparkly illuminating powder from Sephora...to try to stretch the prego glow to new baby days. Ha ha.

*Praying, praying, praying and journaling. I am daily surrendering my fears, praying for courage and peace, praying through some powerful scriptures, and praising God for this amazing time leading up to holding my little one.

*Sharing some sweet conversations with my husband about the 3 yrs. we've enjoyed leading to this special new time, and talking about our hopes and prayers for our marriage and family. And dreaming about who God has created this little one to be...so exciting!!!

*Resting at home, enjoying the quiet, and icing my foot. :) Also spending time in the nursery getting excited and thinking about my future plans for it...and being patient with myself. I've also managed to squeeze a couple loads of laundry here and there. Notice my "nesting" doesn't exactly have me running for the dust bunnies!

Who knows what tonight or tomorrow will bring?! Until then, we'll just keep living to the full our last days before being parents FOREVER. Can you tell transitions are a big deal to me?! ha. Such an adrenaline rush of trust...exciting!

Due but Not Done :)

2011-08-31T23:59:00.002-04:00

Well, my due date has now come and gone...and we still wait on sweet little Baby Love. He or she is still cookin'! I had a great day today, starting with journaling and reading my Bible on the porch. I read some awesome passages in Psalms 77 and 78. Everything seems to carry more significance during this time of preparing and praying. I did have just a few weary moments of "due date discouragement," thinking okay NOW I'm finally ready...but still dealing with the unknown.

We did go to the doctor and she gave me 2 cm today. Of course still not a good predictor of anything, but I'll take it! Then I had myself quite the fun time at Sephora, playing with all the new products and fun, sparkly beauty goodness. Who knows when I will be doing that again!? Next Kevin and I used a gift card and enjoyed a yummy celebration dinner...the server was awesome and surprised us with the most amazing slice of chocolate cake to celebrate this milestone. After that we headed to Starbucks and Target, completed our "prepare for hospital" list, and came home to take some due date photos, Chai included. :) I'll have to share those later, as I can only blog on my phone tonight. I thought I would end this special day with a letter to my little Love bug.

Dear sweet Baby Love,
Your mommy and daddy are ready and excited, praying for God's perfect timing to bring your precious and priceless life into the world. What joy you have brought us already, watching you grow from a poppyseed into a squirming little pumpkin. It has been the most special experience of my life to feel you grow, move and live inside my womb. So many scriptures have become more powerful and alive since you were conceived. Never doubt God's unfailing love for you, sweet child of mine. He has knit you together and carried you to this time, hours or days from completing his masterpiece. Always know that He will never be finished with you though. You are about to embark on an amazing adventure as a creation of the King, and a powerful process of being shaped by love, defined and refined by grace. Your daddy and I are committed to rely on the God who made you to show us the way in raising, teaching, leading, and loving you well. I'm already amazed and changed by your life, and we haven't even looked into each other's eyes yet. I pray we do soon. I already want to hold you, protect you, and be changed forever by my love for you. My heart beats faster at the thought. You are a real life dream come true for me. For as long as I can remember, since I was an itty bitty girl playing mommy to my own favorite dolls for hours on end, I hoped and longed for the day when my own real life baby I would hold. Then God blessed me with many years of caring for the sweet little ones of others, which brought me so much joy, yet still left me longing. While those experiences taught me so much, each child I was blessed to know and love only increased my desire for you. The many times of waiting and wondering were often difficult, but it was all so worth it, as we're on the brink of meeting you. The reality of you has already been more wonderful than I could have ever imagined.

I love that you seem to wake up moments after I do each morning, as crazy as it seems to me. I also love that you seem to respond to the worship music I love and sing so much. One of our favorite songs has been "Praise the King" by Cindy Morgan. That is exactly what I want to do every time I feel your life inside me. If we've learned anything this pregnancy, (and we've learned a lot!), it's to be still and trust God. I pray you will trust Him with your whole heart and life. He will never leave you or stop loving you...He adores the beautiful child He's worked so hard to create with care. The verse God gave your daddy the other day is one we are taking into the delivery room...Exodus 14:14 says, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.". I ache, long, and pray to have a gentle and quiet spirit, one that ruthlessly and fearlessly trusts in my almighty Maker. I'm listening to our "hospital worship playlist" and I just listened to a song I will sing to you and we will pray for our family often-

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."

You are already a light for the whole world to see, and we give God all the glory for every ounce of you and every moment of this experience. Oh, how He loves us!!! And we love you so much Baby Love. My heart is overflowing with joy because I get to be your mom for life. Your daddy and I treasure the unbelievable gift you are, and we thank the Lord many times a day for your little life! We're so excited to meet you, my amazing firstborn. In God's beautifully perfect timing we soon will!!! I love that you already know the sound of my heart and can hear how it beats with joy for you. Holding you will be one of the sweetest moments of my life. Until then, I will continue to embrace and enjoy you in my womb. I pray we have many amazing days in the adventure that awaits us together in this life. The beginning of you has already been one of the greatest adventures ever, your daddy and I would both agree. We also know that this is just the beginning of so much to come.

You are forever deeply loved by us...but even more loved by the One who made you. I pray you have eyes that see, ears that hear, and a heart that seeks how wide and deep and high His love is for you. Seek and you will be sure to find Him. I pray you are forever courageous to let your light shine for Him.

Whether minutes, hours, or days, my arms long and wait for you...we are beyond excited to get to know you!

I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always,

Your honored and privileged Mommy

2 Days To Go!?!?

2011-08-29T16:30:00.002-04:00

39 1/2 weeks pregnant!

Well good grief, where has the time gone my abandoned bloggy friends!!?? The tummy tells the answers, I'll tell you that much! :) Wow, it all comes down this last month - just when you think you're going to get by without waddling, stretch marks, needing an extra push to get out of bed, a big appetite, sleepless nights...pretty much all those symptoms they tell you about in your "What To Expect" emails come along right at the end! I sure enjoyed my 8 months of denial and naivete though, I'll tell you that much! :)

Our 39 week doctor's appt. Will we have another one this Wednesday??

So I'm still here, no baby yet, still embracing all things pregnancy. If the first half of my pregnancy was crazy, so has been the second. Our second car ended up dying about two months after the first, (which died on my way home from my first baby shower), and we have officially gone almost a month driving different cars loaned to us by gracious, amazing friends at different times. Wow. God is amazing with His provisions as always. And on the day that picture was taken in front of the cabin, (July 17th), we actually had just moved all our stuff out and were on our way over to move back in with the sweet and gracious couple who had taken us in for 9 weeks at the beginning of my pregnancy. And shortly after that photo was taken I found myself in the parking lot at Starbucks with my Bible having one of a handful of "weep fests," those times where you just have to let the tears flow and surrender all you've been holding in. I love the verse God gave me on that day too. "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

Kevin was out of town one night last week so my mom came and my brother surprised me by coming as well! Fun 39 week pre-baby memories made!! :)

He will no doubt be a fabulous and FUN uncle!

After church at 38 weeks

Kevin miraculously fixed the washer after it endured some pain through all the different moves it endured. This was a proud day for my handsome hubby!!

And a new thing He has certainly done. I am happy...or should I say OVERJOYED to say that as of a week and a half ago, we have a place to call HOME. It is so wonderful. Also, as of TODAY, we have decided on and bought a car! Whew...what a process. I might win the prize for being closest to my due date before I have the car seat installed. It's all been such a long road, but so worth the wait. Last night a handful of friends from church came over to pray over our home and me for the labor and delivery, and it was a special, wonderful, powerful experience. God has humbled me a million times over during this pregnancy. Kevin and I have cried and prayed, fought and laughed, felt filled with hope and have honestly struggled with serious anxiety at times. Yet we have held fast to the truth that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and He is for us. He is not afraid of our emotions, and He can certainly handle whatever we dish out. :) And He has known what He's had in store for us all along...no matter how long it's felt like to us. It has all been a priceless experience that we never would have sought after, but we know God will use forever in our family, our lives, and our ministry.

My mom brought baby clothes that my brothers and I wore!! Can you say sweet, sentimental take home outfits?! She has been AMAZING in helping me to prepare, praying for this process, and sharing in our joy!

About the abandoned blog...I have no good reasons. I honestly think this road leading to motherhood has been such a huge emotional and mental experience for me that it's been hard to put into words. Or maybe I've just avoided coming face to face with the depth of the experience and being able to write it down?? I also obviously can't seem to work out a short blog post...so I know it will be an investment of time. Who knows. Today I made myself come to church to get on the internet, (because we don't have it yet), and this might sound funny...but if I have to choose between going somewhere to get online for an hour or two and going home to be with Chai, I'll choose him and home every time. I will find my way back and get my blogging groove on though...especially now that I have our big comfy red chair out of storage as my place to sit and surrender my thoughts again. AND I will surely be more consistent because very soon I will have a beautiful, amazing, wonderful baby to reveal!!! We are SO ready to find out if this is a boy or girl!!! (The guesses are about 50/50...I'm clueless and will be shocked either way!) Because we've had names picked out for both for a long time, and we've referred to either/or for a long time, I kind of feel like I should be having twins! Yikes! :)

Look at that belly...I mean baby!!! Can't wait to meet you little Love!

I have truly embraced every day of the privilege of carrying this precious child, and I praise God each and every time I've felt this sweet Baby Love move. The heat has been hard, but the dresses and tan have been great. The emotions have been crazy, but the tears have been refreshing. Motherhood started for me at the beginning of this adventure, having to surrender this child that I know is ultimately God's, but He is graciously allowing me to hold as my own. I know every day I have to trust Him with his or her life, and I can only imagine how much greater the magnitude of that will be once I hold this little one in my arms!! I can honestly say while I've loved being pregnant, I'm ready to be a mom. God has made beautiful things out of all the years He asked me to wait and pray for the dream to come true of having a family of my own. And I am so thankful that He's choosing now to bring those dreams to life.

Tired mommy, finished crib...the night before 39 weeks.

Super excited Daddy putting together the crib!

My sweet, furry first born! Get ready for some fun Chai!!!

To any frantic pregnant women, take it from me when I encourage you to simply be still. Psalm 46:10 is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, a huge inspiration for one of our names, and what has carried me through many days of this journey. "Be still and know that I am God." I finally packed my hospital bag at 37 weeks, we didn't have a nursery until I was almost 38 weeks pregnant, and we put the crib up a day before I was 39 weeks. The room still isn't finished...but I at least have the fabric ordered! Ha! As for all those projects...I am hoping to have them all done by the time the baby is 6 months old. ;)

This experience has proven to me over and over what really matters. And so little of what the world focuses on has much significance at all in light of eternity. But I am so thankful God allows us to delight in the little, fun, frivolous things...like elephant hampers, front facing bookshelves, and aqua colored paint! Ooooh...speaking of which - after months of deliberating and obsessing, I LOVE the color. Which, for a perfectionist like me, is a huge blessing. (Because I certainly wasn't going to ask my husband to repaint it...no matter what!!) I am trying to make myself wait to show you once I get it all put together. So be on the lookout around October or November. Ha ha. And you know I will insist on telling the untold stories, sharing the pictures, and filling in whatever I've forgotten, whether it's after the baby or not. I can't leave anything out, but I just can't fit it all in. :)

Okay, that's all for now...time to get back home and take a nap! I'll get back with you either a few times before....or not until the big reveal. Who's excited!?!? (My hand is enthusiastically raised!;) Thanks for sticking with me friends. Happy Monday!

6 Weeks to Sweetness

2011-07-21T12:01:00.001-04:00

I am 34 weeks pregnant....only 6 weeks away from meeting our sweet firstborn!!! (Unless God and the baby have other plans of course!) Wow. I don't know that I've ever been in a more reflective or emotional place in all my life. I am not feeling frantic, just overwhelmed with more emotions than I can count. I vascillate between being nervous in my head that I'm not ready, and knowing in my heart that so little of what I think needs to be done to "prepare" will really matter when he or she comes. Most of all, I am just so excited and in shock that all these years and months of waiting are about to result in the most amazing miracle ever. I am so thankful.

Pregnancy Fun Facts:

Size of baby: Apparently the size of the baby should be a large canteloupe. After the last several weeks of feeling my little wonder baby move, I now understand why these fruit shapes are so round. Because the little one obviously curls up in a ball several times a day. (Someone kindly reminded me where we get the term "fetal position." ha.) His or her little bum rears out at me in the same spot right above and to the left of my belly button. In the last couple of weeks it's gotten stronger and stronger. (Ouch!) I just can't get enough of feeling this baby move though - it's amazing.

Gender: It's hard to believe we've stayed so strong this long and are so close to finding out by meeting Baby Love. I will say it's been challenging though. Especially when others around us are finding out and planning accordingly. I spend an equal amount of time imagining life with both....and know either way will be just so precious and perfect. I honestly am completely torn...no secret feelings of what the baby might be! I will say that people over 25 generally guess boy, and those under 25 guess girl. I think that's funny. We'll see who gets it right - kids or adults!

Baby's Name: One thing that surprised me the most was how soon we felt complete peace and excitement about our names - all the way back around February. Being as indecisive as I am and dealing with some 'fear of commitment' issues, I always thought I'd be scrambling at the end. But when we got pregnant we began praying boldly and often that God would lead us to a meaningful name for our child. Kevin was so good about encouraging me to trust that He would. And He did - pretty quickly. Once we decided we didn't have a doubt in our minds. I can't wait to see which one we get to give our child!

By the way, the only person we've told is a sweet lady on the beach in Naples, FL when we were on our 'babymoon.' I was just aching to say them out loud to someone. And it was fun!! :) But right after she walked away Kevin starting saying, "Hopefully she doesn't search us out on Facebook and tell everyone!" Ha ha. A little crazy...considering she didn't even know our last name! That said, neither one of us know that we could do this again...we're starting to understand why people find out what they're having and tell their names early! :)

How I'm feeling: I can honestly say I've reached the point where I often get excited about rediscovering what it's like to live without some unusual aches and pains. My back has struggled off and on this pregancy...ever since that crazy flu and rib situation...and lately my legs ache like crazy when I get up in the morning. Also, my hips hurt - especially after significant lengths of sitting. And unless I'm in a highly air conditioned place or in the pool, the heat is finally starting to get to me and make me irritable. My patience has always been oddly affected, ever since the beginning and those crazy months of nauseousness. I'm still loving the pregnant belly though - I don't think it will ever not be fascinating to me! No pain or annoyance has ever even come close to outweighing my joy!

Cravings: I never really have been overcome by any one food this pregnancy. Aversions for sure, but mostly my appetite has been weird - not a lot of room in there I guess! I think I struggle to ever really know what I feel like eating...as evidenced by the fact that Kevin has pointed out I like to eat part of whatever he orders, which apparently I've never done before!

Other happenings: I had another fabulous baby shower and felt so very loved. My sisters-in-law and mother-in-law did an amazing job this past weekend celebrating little Baby Love and his or her upcoming arrival into our family. The generosity of others continues to bless and amaze me! Those pictures will fill up a whole post, so I will work on that soon! Also, we finally moved out of that log cabin. Charming on the outside, yes - but tiny, spidery, and way out in the boondocks at the heart of it. We are grateful for our memories there, but thankful to move on. We have moved back in with another family, hopefully on our final countdown to our own place. We have learned so much about all the things God seems to be teaching us over the last 9 months. We have been living in the land of waiting on the unknowns, but are trusting that the endurance, resilience, and fruit that can come from that is worth it. (Possibly one of the contributing factors making the unknown of what the baby is more difficult!) And it has all been incredibly humbling - because we have come face to face with how little we really need, how much we have, and how very much we have to be grateful for.

Also, we have been LOVING our childbirth class. We have learned so much so far and can't imagine going into this process without being prepared in this way.

What we are looking forward to: We are SO thrilled to soon see this sweet face God has been knitting together in my womb. I can't wait to feel his or her skin, kiss that little head, and whisper my love to sweet Baby Love. I feel like the second I hold this baby I will breathe the greatest breath of peace I've ever known...and exhale all that's been building up during this process. We are of course praying that he or she spends as much healthy time growing as possible in there. (Oh, and I'm really looking forward to trying out cloth diapers!!)

Scripture I'm focused on: "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Random Thursday Thoughts

2011-07-14T17:06:00.001-04:00

I just can't seem to stop posting this week. Ha. See, when I come back, I come back strong. :) It must be that nesting energy...hopefully not that "about to go into labor" turbo energy I hear about. Although my heart does beat way faster at the thought that we only have about 7 weeks left until our lives are changed for the better forever! Less than 50 days! My momminess instincts are getting intense. I can tell he or she is growing like crazy in there by the different places I'm starting to feel the movements. And I've got a strong one on my hands. It's not uncommon for me to find myself saying a random "Ouch!" when the little one really gets going. Just this morning it started to feel like a little certain someone is creeping those little feet up towards my ribs. Aren't you just dying to know what this little one will look like?! I sure am...last night my baby dreams picked up speed. I can hardly wait to see what they're like even closer! So how about a current belly pic??

So here I am today...33 weeks and 1 day!

One thing that hasn't changed is my egg shaped belly - it's been that way since the beginning and I think it's funny! I seriously love feeling like a mom in my pregnant body. I'm actually starting to feel like I'll miss it! The little one is just so transportable and the dresses are cute. Ha ha. And despite the heat, I am loving having a summer baby. Barefoot and pregnant for sure.

Last night I was once again watching YouTube videos of different cloth diaper reviews, and the g diaper newborn video totally made me cry! She had a brand new baby on there and it made me long to hold my own. I have held so many babies over the years and always dreamed and prayed one day I'd get to have my own. The reality of it is truly overwhelming and shocking to me now. My heart is overflowing with gratitude...I can't wait to snuggle little Baby Love and cry tears of joy over him or her. A real life dream come true. I'm sitting here crying just writing this!

Okay, okay, enough words - more pics! I really haven't done a fabulous job of keeping up to date with my baby belly on here. So in the next few days and weeks be sure that you'll probably get bombarded! I need to tell the whole story before little sweet one comes!

This is Kevin holding up the list we used to fill our "10 day emergency baby tub." Sometimes I think the nesting is hitting Kevin harder than me!

This is my older brother and I in Cincinnati last week for the North American Christian Convention. He is in Peru (South America) right now leading a mission's trip. It sounds like the driving up mountains is quite dangerous there, (based on his experience last year!), so please pray for his safety! And of course please pray for God to work in amazing ways while they're there! He's an amazing brother and an awesome friend.

This is Kevin and I at my grandma's for the 4th of July. 31 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. It was HOT.

My sweet grandma and I on the 4th of July. I had actually spent about 4 days before with her as she was in the hospital for fatigue and chest pains. Praise the Lord she is recovering and doing better! I once again entertained her with my insistence on sewing something with her while I was there. Speaking of which...

These are the bibs and one burp cloth I've made so far. I still have one bib left in progress. And to all those wondering...I will definitely be adding plenty of pink in the mix if it's a girl. I'm just choosing to stick with bright,cheery, and safe...completely neutral until I know for sure!

These are some of the cute clothes I got at my first shower - see, neutral can be very cute!! :) The red onesie on the right says, "mommy's little alarm clock." The bib in the middle says, "Star of Mommy's Blog." That will be true for sure. Love it!

This is a picture of my parents and I at about week 30. Yes, my dad is trying to be quite funny. Ha ha.

And of course I can't leave my little bro out - he has 2 sweet kids of his own and is excited

for me to join the club!

This was at 29 weeks - Kevin and I were housesitting and there's a putting green practically in the back yard. He was hitting some golf balls and the sky was awesome that night!

This pic is at the baby shower my friend Staci threw for me in my hometown this past weekend. 32 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. It was an awesome shower and a beautiful morning! The top pic is of my sister-in-law and niece, and the bottom is of childhood friends and my high school youth minister's wife. (Now also a friend! :)

Finally, here's one more pic that proves how very different a pregnant person can look depending on what they're wearing! Moral of the story - maternity clothes fit and flatter much better!

See, now you have proof that I'm as pregnant as ever! Thanks for your patience with the pics to prove it. :)

Projects I'm Planning/Working On

2011-07-14T11:49:00.002-04:00

I do have a list of sewing/craft projects I have been working on for the baby's room as well. I have actually completed the bibs and just need to take some photos to share them with you! Here is the tutorial I used for that as well as some others I plan to use for my other creations.

Baby Bibs

These bibs, from lots of pink here, turned out SO cute!

Fabric covered burp cloths

I have started on one of these, and they are super easy and inexpensive!

Chickpea Sewing Studio has a great tutorial.

Baby Quilt

I LOVE this baby quilt from Momfetti, and plan to use her pattern to attempt my first quilt!

Fabric covered framed corkboard

I've known I wanted to make framed corkboards for awhile. I also have a fun idea for using these other places when we have a home. How Does She offers a great tutorial for these.

Pennant Banner

These are all the rage right now, and I'm happy to jump on the bandwagon. So cute. Sandy a la Mode has a good tutorial for this!

Simple Crib Skirt

So far I feel most confident about following Gus and Lula's tutorial for a crib skirt, as I would like to make a simple, straight skirt for my baby's crib. I also like KdBuggie's tutorial. Now, there's always the ridiculously more simple "no sew" method offered by Young House Love!

Dot Mobile

I have loved this mobile for the longest time, and would love to create something like it. Sew She Sews made this and offers a great free tutorial.

Lined Curtains/Drapes

I'm also planning on making long curtains for the baby's room. (When I get a chance to measure the windows!) I'm definitely intimidated by this, but will certainly give it a shot. If I don't use a book I already have, here are some tutorials I've found:

Lined curtains by the Purl bee

Lined Drapes by Seven Layer Studio

Subway Art

Finally, the oh-so popular subway art. I would love to do something fun with a couple scriptures we pray for our little one. I love this bright piece and simple tutorial from once upon a {craft} time.

Nursery Inspirations

2011-07-13T13:03:00.002-04:00

Okay, so one thing I have been doing since VERY early on in my pregnancy is incessantly exploring Project Nursery, Ohdeedoh, Etsy, and all shades of turquoise. This is something you can totally do, with or without the actual nursery to start decorating!

Originally I described my desired style to be colorful/bright, modern, whimsical, and eclectic, yet still classic. (Is that even possible?? ha) I began with Robin's Egg Blue as my inspiration wall color, thinking I would accent with white, bright yellow and red for a boy, or white, bright yellow and dark pink for a girl. That's changed slightly as I've worked on it, first realizing I want to go a bit bolder with the walls in a super wonderful shade of turqoise, and for a boy I think I'll accent with bright yellow, gray, and maybe a touch of orange, while with a girl I'll accent with bright yellow, dark pink, and a touch of gray. And I still want lots of white in the way of furniture, frames, etc. I could totally do one of those white rooms with bright accents...but I think it would help to have a great floor for that. (This is all still in my dreams and saved on my computer, keep in mind. :) Just ask my husband...I undoubtedly have every paint swatch with every shade of turquoise possible in my possession. Obviously I'm not a designer - I make these things way too difficult...but paint is hard, right? Not too dark, not too pastel, not too girly, not too boy, not too blue, not too green - I could drive myself (and my husband) crazy!

Two DIY things I would love to have for sure are a yellow painted dresser with fun knobs and front facing bookshelves. Love them both. I also seem to have a fondness for elephants...not as a theme, but as sweet accents. I think it nicely suits little "baby mine." Okay, okay, so here are some pics I love to drool over and get inspired from. We'll just have to wait until we get into that wonderful, more permanent place of ours to see how it all turns out! (Oh, and I did mention I'm on an incredibly tight budget, right? What a fun challenge.:)

(First, I love, LOVE this room by Raechel from Finding My Feet, but her little one was in the photo so I'm not posting it on here!)
I also love different elements of these...

Project Nursery

"A California nursery" from Project Nursery

Baby W's nursery from Project Nursery

Noah's nursery from Ohdeedoh

Sloane's nursery from Project Nursery

"Retro-Modern" nursery from Project Nursery

Twins' nursery from Project Nursery

(same as above)

Poppie's nursery from Project Nursery

Paige's Nursery from Ohdeedoh

"The Baby's Room" on Project Nursery

Noa's nursery from Project Nursery

The Sleepytime Gal

From April's Playtime

Nora's Nursery from Project Nursery

From Domestic Adventure

Super cute nursery by House Thirty-Six

Image from "First Friends"

Crazy, Crazy Days

2011-07-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

Wow, wow, wow. If I wanted the most therapeutic few hours of my life I think I would just sit here and write and write until I had covered every last detail of the past several weeks. (That would of course be if I could remember...yes, pregnant brain has come on strong.) It's been nothing short of CRAZY. Seriously, it feels like this baby is racing towards the finish line and I'm along for the ride. :) One of these days I'll disappear from here again and come back with some baby news! Let's see, here's a very abbreviated almost 33 weeks preggo update...

*I'm obviously and thankfully getting bigger. (Baby is growing!) But not overwhelmingly so. I have to be honest, I have really felt great physically being pregant, nauseousness aside. My body has handled it better than I ever could have imagined, and it doesn't feel like it's overtaking me yet. According to the doctor today, my belly measures right on track with where I'm at, and I've gained about 20 lbs.

*Baby Love's movements are consistent and often predictable. Like he or she doesn't like to miss anything. When I wake up in the morning the baby starts moving right after I start talking or saying anything. So funny and cute. Little sweet thing also loves to stick that little bottom out and push up against my stomach. This is the most common move. Do I have a little hip-hop dancer like mommy (and daddy if he's honest!) on my hands?? Ha ha. :)

*I have still never had any consistent or crazy cravings - no crazy or out of control appetite. I continue to have a pretty strong aversion to chicken and meat. Now I'm just trying to eat as healthy as possible and drink lots of water. Cereal and fruit are still the easiest things for me to eat.

*The emotions are what have attacked me the most. I think my count of "weeping nights" is up to 3, (maybe 4??) It's just crazy what my body can do in terms of letting some serious tears flow when my mind, body, and heart just get overwhelmed. This is where Kevin has shined and our relationship has grown that much sweeter. (Even if I act a little crazy toward him in the mean time!)

*I've started to get some of those pelvic ligament pains. Now that will make a person want to gladly exit the little one out of her body!

*Kevin is in full on father mode. Last night we compiled our "first 5-10 days" emergency tub for the baby...just in case he or she makes an early entrance! Tonight we started our 7 week childbirth class. It is definitely great so far, and so worth it. I am learning so much and feeling more and more confident about the whole experience!

*Good news - prayers have been answered...it sounds like the best case scenario is we could get to move into the place we are going to rent on August 1st!!! That's like 3 weeks - yay, yay, yay! Please keep praying this is actually the case. God is so faithful and we are thankful. It would be just awesome to have our stuff out of storage and start to get settled for a month before the baby comes! Just today I think I told Kevin I am now on a "stress high." Meaning our life circumstances have been so crazy that now instead of feeling burdened I just have to laugh. What an insanely unpredictable 9 months!!

*There's so much I want to share about what God has been teaching us in so many different ways. So many parts of scripture have come to life for us lately...for that reason alone I want to up my consistency factor on here so I don't miss a moment of what He has laid on my heart.

*I have been out of town for about 10 days...and I really feel it. I was so glad to get home yesterday. It's weird...the further I've gotten in my pregnancy the harder it is for me to be apart from Kevin and Chai. Just feels like our little family should be together!

Well, I'll stop there, not even taking the time to upload a photo. So lazy. So tired. So HOT. The heat index or whatever was 115 degrees today. It has completely wiped me out. See ya soon with much more.

Maternity Must Haves

2011-06-15T12:02:00.003-04:00

I thought it'd be fun to list a few of the tangible things that have gotten me through my pregnancy...namely the thoughest parts, such as approx. 24 weeks of nauseousness and side sleeping. So here's my list (so far!) of what I've found in this pregnancy to be my "maternity must haves."

1. Leachco back and belly pillow. Life saver, let me tell you. I've struggled to sleep well at night during my pregnancy, and at the beginning was having to use a bazillion pillows to try to keep me propped up. This pillow has helped me get quite a few good nights sleep. (Though those are lessening, which the veteran moms tell me is normal. I guess even a great pillow can't do it all.) I also find that putting a pillow between my legs helps even more.

2. Be-Band Maternity Band. This and my favorite stretchy tops helped carry me to a little over 20 weeks without having to buy maternity clothes. It was a birthday present in January from a friend who "had a feeling" I was pregnant. :) Good thinking.

3. Belly Bar products. I've been taking Belly Bar prenatal chewable vitamins for the majority of my pregnancy as the One-a-days made me really sick. I haven't had any problems with these. I like that they don't have food dyes in them too. I also love the supplement bars, which provide even more vitamins and minerals, and were sometimes the only thing I really felt like eating. (Especially during that nasty flu!) The s'mores flavor is awesome!

4. iPad and Kindle for iPad. Okay, okay I must confess. No, we can not afford this fun little contraption, but yes I was blessed with one for Christmas from work!! Crazy and super fun gift that I am certainly grateful for! I'm sure I'm still not using it to its fullest potential, but I certainly improved that when I discovered the free Kindle for iPad app. My first purchase? Baby Bargains 2011, a life saver for a novice pregnant lady like me! I was also able to save money by purchasing my latest bible study, "That I May Know Him," on here, as well as the book I recently mentioned, "The Fitting Room" by Kelly Minter, based on Colossians 3, which is part of my current study. Needless to say, for a book lover and person who craves information like me, this is a great alternative, (besides the library and half-price bookstore!), to read more books for less than it would normally cost. I also have LOVED the free "Hello Baby" app by Pampers. It allows us to see a true to size representation of how our baby is growing every week - so neat!Next I'll be looking for great new mom and baby apps! Any suggestions??

(from Amazon)

5. La Croix sparkling water with a lime. So I have still neglected to tell you about our babymoon and the awesome experience of getting bumped on the way there and thus being moved to first class for the last leg of our flight to Florida from Atlanta. Talk about FUN!!! Neither Kevin nor I have ever flown first class and it was so much fun. They bring snacks every other second, (a pregnant lady's dream! :), and they serve drinks in real glasses! We just had a blast in those cushy seats in the company of people who actually belonged there. Ha. I wanted to get something other than plain old water, and since I'm not drinking soda, caffeine, or artificial sweetners, (for the most part!), I checked out the little in flight menu. My new favorite discovery was made - La Croix sparkling water with a wedge of lime. I then drank a lot of it on vacation and have continued to do so since. I can't seem to find anything inappropriate about this treat during pregnancy, (please correct me if I'm wrong!), and it satisfies that need for something fizzy and "pop" like! A bonus is it's much cheaper than Perrier sparkling water- also yummy!

(It comes in different flavors, but for now I prefer the plain...and I promise, squeezing a wedge of lime in it makes all the difference!!)

(source)

6. My Honey K-Love. This nickname for Kevin goes way back to the beginning. And of course no "must-have" list could be complete without him! He has done such a great job as my foot rubber, emotional supporter, cheerleader, prayer warrior, and God-seeking leader through this whole process. We have been humbled and amazed from day one by God's mercy, grace, and goodness as we prayed for and became pregnant with our first child. All those years of waiting and praying for the man God had for me continue to be so worth it with every stage of life we go through together, both the struggles and the sweet times. It is a joy to travel through this life with him, and I can't wait to fall in love with him all over again when I see him love our sweet baby. My heart overflows and I give God all the glory.

(I love this pic...but he might not so I won't make it bigger. :)

Well, there's my short list of maternity must haves for now! I need to post about being 29 weeks today!! My belly is at a place that it now shocks me and makes me laugh every time I walk by a mirror! Ha! I'm just so excited to see the sweet face of the baby growing in there!

Christ in me, The Hope of Glory

2011-06-14T11:46:00.003-04:00

(source)

Today I started a study on the book of Colossians - what a powerful book of the bible! This study is the second part of the Kay Arthur study I mentioned my small group was doing a while back, called "That I May Know You." It includes a study on both Philippians and Colossians. (There is one available for every book of the bible - for only about $8 or $9 at cbd.com!!) This has definitely forever changed the way I will study and work to grasp God's Word. When you start to really read passages over and over, digging deep into the purpose and context of what they are all about, you quickly realize how often our Christian culture has taken verses out of the context they were written in. Both Philippians and Colossians are letters written from Paul while he was in prison...literally suffering in chains.

I am already loving studying Colossians, after just carefully reading through it a few times, in a few different versions. I was especially convicted and challenged today by the prayer Paul told those at Colosse that he was praying for them in verses 9-13. Paul says he is praying this in response to hearing about their love in the Spirit upon their hearing and embracing the gospel.

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he love, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Col. 1:9-13

Wow. I love that God even blesses us with the access to His power which strengthens us in this way. A strength that we so desperately need. I also got on blueletterbible.org and read the New Living Translation, and I loved verses 11 and 12: "We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father."

Then, at the end of the chapter I loved verse 27 - "And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." (NLT) The NIV says, "God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of the mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." I love that!! How often do we need to be reminded of the glorious riches that come from the awesome privilege of Christ living in us!!! He is the "hope of glory," which is to come when our temporary time on this often painful and confusing earth is done. In our darkest moments we must remember that we have a hope beyond anything we could imagine. This is what should drive us to share the gospel eagerly and urgently. Right when I read this phrase it brought to mind a song that I have been listening to often lately and that I love called "Everything" by Tim Hughes. I do long for God to be my everything; I am so grateful that He has been so faithful and has promised to be faithful through everything in my life.

When I was searching for the song, I saw a clip of Craig Groeschel speaking at a Hillsong conference in 2009 and he said, "I choose, I force myself to choose, the pain of obedience rather than the comfort of disobedience. When you suffer for the glory of the One who suffered and died for you, embrace it, take it in. Don't whine about it but say, 'I praise God in heaven that I get to suffer ever so little for the glory of the one who suffered and died for me." WOW. That is some powerful stuff that pierced me straight in the heart this morning. This song and the verses I shared are my prayer today; I hope you are encouraged by this today too!!

Miscellany Monday - Happy 3rd trimester!!!

2011-06-13T15:33:00.008-04:00

1. Third trimester. Well friends, I'm in it to win it...less than 3 months to go until we meet Baby Love!!! I vascillate between shock, disbelief, and adrenaline rushing excitement! It took me a long time at the beginning to really jump into all things pregnancy and baby...maybe protecting myself from the possibility that something could go wrong and/or wanting to not lose focus on our marriage before little one arrives. But after vacation I went into full swing mommy mode! Registries, research, nursery planning, day dreaming, etc. Might have a little something to do with the little firework's movements in my ever expanding belly!! I have been waiting for this since I was an itty bitty myself and I couldn't be more excited! Whenever I start organizing the baby's new things and stacking his/her new clothes it seriously feels reminiscent of all those years I played "house" and cared for my babies for hours as a little girl. But this time it's real! And because I keep promising updated pics, here's a couple from my first super fun baby shower!!!

My super cute new diaper bag!!

My lovely mom - Nana to be! (This is her 3rd grandbaby)

My lovely friends - thanks girls!!!

2. Speaking of 3rd trimester....I had my 28 week glucose/blood test Friday. Someone called from the office and confirmed while I don't have gestational diabetes - (yay!!!), I am in fact anemic! Not a surprise to me, (or Kevin for that matter), as lately it's felt like all I say is "I'm tired." I have been much less than productive. Turns out little Love has been taking all that iron I need. So I'm officially on a supplement, and hopefully on my way to having more energy. I guess I'm not surprised because I really don't eat that much meat. Chicken is less than attractive to me most of the time, and I've never really been a big fan of red meat. Though Kevin has informed me he will be bringing home steaks tonight! Ha ha. I'm very thankful that this has been the first bump in a very healthy pregnancy!

3. Home sweet home. We're definitely going to have one...right around the time when the baby comes! Might sound crazy to most, but to me it's another example of God's perfect timing and knowing what we can handle. We found an awesome place to rent, but as of right now it won't be available until the first week in September. I just might be the only woman pregnant in the summer that prays to go late! (My due date is August 31st) However, prayer is powerful...so maybe between our families and all you wonderful bloggy friends we can pray that place into availability a bit sooner. ;) Honestly, I'm just so thankful that after what will be about 8 or 9 months of nomading it, we will get our stuff out of storage and have a place to call home again! What a wild ride this has been...and will forever make a GREAT story!

4. Dog sitting. This week we get to take a break from the charming yet ovenless/washer-dryerless log cabin as we are house/dog sitting for our friends. It is a JOY let me tell you. They have a beautiful home with a cute backyard...and for better or worse, 2 t.v's. Keep in mind, that's 2 more than Kevin and I have had in a long time. Last night as I was watching Food Network Star and he was watching the NBA Finals, (it was weird to be home and apart!), I realized how blessed we are to be in the stage of life we are in - living in small spaces without a whole lot of extraneous entertainment apart from each other. I am sure it has caused us to spend so much more quality time together - and I am thankful for that!

Speaking of dogs, how cute is my God-seeking little fella?! :)

5. Cloth diapers...I'm diving in. I wasn't going to go public with my desire to do this in order to avoid the naysayers and scoffers...but the wonderful world-wide blogging world has boosted my confidence and even got me excited about this little (or big!) endeavor I'd like to try. Kevin has been awesome about saying he will be supportive to try whatever I feel passionate about, and I've told him I don't want to be afraid to do hard things. We both agree if it doesn't work it doesn't work - but I really want to try. So I have been doing all kinds of research this weekend and I feel pretty excited about trying a few different kinds. We definitely want to ease into it, (a.k.a. maybe not start the first few weeks...remember, I don't know exactly what I'm doing! :), and it seems like everyone has to find what works for them through a little trial and error. I also think I want to try a combination of those with disposable inserts, and those with all-in-one cloth inserts. The only thing I think I'm pretty for sure about is that I don't want to stuff too many pockets. So far I'm most excited to try Bum Genius Elemental All in ones, Best Bottoms One Size, Rumparoos G2 One Size, and g diapers. Any thoughts or opinions?? I have watched several videos, seen some in stores, and read many blogs. I've never heard anyone not love the Bum Genius ones, but I'm most intrigued by the Best Bottoms and Rumparoos for their user-friendliness, versatility, materials, and leg gussets (good for holding in messes!). The g diapers (and best bottoms!) sound good for travel or away from home situations. Please share your opinions! (but please no scoffing :)

6. Next on my reading list. I have great respect for Kelly Minter. She writes great Bible studies, seems extremely down to earth, and is completely relatable. She has recently written a book called The Fitting Room, and it's the next thing I want to read this summer. It's all about putting on the character of Christ. The ladies in the "bloom" book club on the website (in)courage are studying this book throughout the summer, (though I'm kind of missing that!). If you're looking for something challenging and inspirational to read, maybe check it out!

7. Sweet peace in pregnancy. I am content and determined to savor and enjoy these last few months of pregnancy. For whatever reason, maybe because I've struggled to be comfortable in my own skin at other times of life, I love having this baby growing inside me. My pregnant body feels purposeful and it's empowering in crazy ways. I feel so much freedom in knowing how healthy it is for my body to grow and expand right now. It is so much fun to feel my sweet Baby Love kicking and flipping and exploring so actively inside me. While I'm sure it can't compare to holding this baby in my arms, I never want to forget what sweet moments we've shared together while he/she grows inside me. Even yesterday at church I felt a little emotional during worship when I saw a woman leading who has been pregnant but recently had her baby. It might sound weird, but it put into perspective for me what it must be like to have such an intimate experience with your baby inside of you where there is not yet separation, then having to trust and release for the rest of your life as your baby grows and isn't always with you. Very powerful. Whew...God is going to teach me A LOT through this baby!!!

That's my miscellany for today if you made it through! Here's to another week of wonderful summer!

His Eye is On the Sparrow

2011-06-09T10:07:00.002-04:00

I so wanted to title this post, "Overflowing With Lemonade," in reference to my seemingly incessant need lately to take the lemons life has thrown at us and make lemonade. Not quite as easy when you're pregnant, I've quickly found. I know some people have an aversion to how those online often seem to make life seem fake and problem free, (of course we all know it's not!!)...but I wonder if that's because it often feels like a bummer to get on here and be a downer in our weak moments. Particularly those moments when I don't have perspective and I'm not handling it well. Which is quite possibly why I've been avoiding...

I know all too well there are MANY people who would love their biggest problems all at one time to be not having a permanent dwelling, cars ending their lifespan, and other annoying little inconveniences. There are families desperately praying to have more time with those they love the most, or grieving those they have lost...and that is pain. I know people in physical pain so constant that they are longing for Heaven and relief. So the last few weeks in our life have felt like trials, but I know they're just exhausting bumps in the road. At the end of the day Kevin and I are growing close to each other and to God through them. And the precious little firework in my belly is a continuous reminder of His unending and overwhelming faithfulness. I am loving this little person more and more everyday, and it has taught me more than anything else in all of my life that very little external circumstances are really a very big deal. Because the big things in life are BIG. Relationships and increasingly loving, trusting, and looking like Christ are what it's all about.

I have been reminded often lately of the verse, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. so don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

Thankfully I am not a precious little bird...I am a child of the King...of THE Creator. That's big time. Why should I worry...why should I ever be afraid? I am a broken, human girl...but I have such hope and joy. I was majorly convicted Sunday when one of Kevin's coworkers and our friend who reads my blog said to me, "When I keep hearing about your all's circumstances I just keep thinking about 'Crazy Joy.' This is it." Ha. I was convicted by my own blog title...what I claim to be all about!! But he's right. The reason I live, I write, I rejoice is because I know in my soul this crazy truth: regardless of our pain, our circumstances, or our trials, we can have real and ridiculous joy from the hope found through a relationship of Jesus and the promise of Heaven. For real. Even when the burden and weariness feel so heavy. So while that wasn't easy to hear on a Sunday morning after a night of tears, it was exactly what I needed to be brought back to. The fact that I'm not alone and I'm not living for the comforts of this life.

The other blessing that has always come during times of trial for me is the way my family loves, encourages, and rallies around me...it reminds me that that's who we are. There is nothing like family to have your back and remind you that you're loved when you need it most. My family has done this for me too many times to count in my 30 years. They have sacrificed for me over and over without hesitation or ridicule. Endless grace resulting in overwhelming gratitude. That is so much of why I am beyond excited for Kevin and I to start our own family with sweet little Baby Love. Because I want him or her to know that kind of grace, generosity, and joy...and to give all the glory to God for it.

Okay, I just had to get that out and be real with you all. I am committing in my heart to get on here and shine my little light more often. I have so many unshared fun posts in my head...like how I've GOT to show you this big baby belly! Little sweet thing is growing like crazy, and I love it!!! While I won't be decorating a nursery before the baby comes, I have so many fun ideas/inspirations, and I need to share about the super fun and sweet baby shower my friends threw for me last week! More to come! Love to you all!!!

"His eye is on the sparrow...and I know He watches me."

(Who doesn't love Lauryn Hill singing this song!?)

Miscellany Monday - 100 days to go!!!

2011-05-23T18:16:00.002-04:00

Well, here's to another Monday after another beloved weekend. I just looked at my baby tracker and it says Baby love has 100 days left to grow!!! Wow - hopefully in about 100 days our first baby will have his/her birth day! Crazy! What a celebration that will be. :) The countdown is on...the question is, are mommy and daddy ready??? While we will joyfully receive our baby when he/she comes, we are prayerful and thankful that the little one keeps growing in there for quite awhile!  While of course I want the baby to keep getting bigger, I am liking the 25/26 week pregnant belly for me. Definitely very prego, but doesn't overwhelm me or tip me over just yet. Ha ha.

(The coolest thing just happened as I'm writing this!!! Baby Love, who has been doing all those small kicks and movements below my belly button, just rolled, or slowly swam or waved hello at the very top of my belly - how cool! I am AMAZED at how much he/she has grown in even a month. I love this baby and feeling his/her little lively self in there!!!)

So how about some miscellany for this Monday -

1. Feeling great. After last week's less than spectacular update about my aches and pains, I'm happy to say I am feeling much better. I'm taking everything in stride, and overwhelmed with gratitude that the baby is healthy and I've had a healthy pregnancy so far. I have nothing to complain about. As long as Baby Love doesn't have to feel mommy's aches and pains, I am perfectly happy with them. And my ribs and back have had some good days lately! I haven't gotten sick in several days which is awesome. I honestly love my pregnant body more than I could have ever imagined. It just feels different and I love feeling comfortable, purposeful, and just right in my own skin. (Though I often have these suddenly strong desires to run a marathon once I'm able...hope that feeling remains after the baby comes!! :)

2. Home sweet home. My feeling better might have something to do with the fact that Kevin and I were able to go to Indiana to visit my parents for the weekend. There is definitely no place like home, no matter how old you get, and the last time we were there was New Year's, when we announced we are pregnant!  It's always so nice to experience the love of where you grew up. My mom is an expert at hospitality, and she and my dad have been working hard on some home improvement projects. My home town is also such a peaceful place to visit because it's right in the middle of farmland and cornfields. Quiet and beautiful. I did feel slightly reminiscent about my college days as my parents were also gracious enough to also let us to our laundry there! Thankfully they have plenty of compassion for log cabin living. :) It was also awesome to visit my home church and chat about Baby Love with many people who have known me since I was a baby! Sweet times for sure.

3. Puppy love. My sweet dog Chai turned 7 on May 12th!!! Wow. According to the vet he's officially a "senior" now. Crazy...that news wasn't particularly my favorite I must say. What a journey he and I have been on. I got him two summers after I graduated from college because I longed to be a mommy and I just didn't know when that would happen. So I got a puppy to love on and take care of, which actually did turn out to be a great help! He was so sweet then, and he still is so sweet now.  He's also the most adaptable dog ever, seeing as how he has lived with me in a total of 7 different places since I've had him! Wow. I'm sure I have such a love for him because he's been right by my side through some tough and wonderful transitions. He is definitely my furry first baby. :) What's funny now is that I realize I've used my mommy voice to talk to him all these years...so when I talk to my baby belly in that voice his head turns quickly! Looks like some fun times are ahead as we work on fur baby and real baby sibling bonding in the near future!!

4. Nursery art. I have made one piece of artwork for the nursery so far, and it's gotten me very excited to work on some other things! The funny thing is how indecisive I've been about the nursery and we don't even have one to decorate yet! My random obsessions are so weird. There are two totally different color schemes I love, though I'm pretty sure I'll stick with the original plan. I did just realize that because we will probably be renting a house, I most likely won't be able to paint the walls. Which is just fine because this is real life and not a design show. And we'll just be happy to have a place! I do love to look at Etsy for artwork - what are your favorite Etsy shops for nursery art/decorations??

5. Prayer for Joplin, MO. My heart broke for the people of Joplin this morning when I heard about the tornado they endured over the weekend. Apparently 85% of the small town was leveled and many people were killed in this tragedy. I can't imagine how scary that must have been...as even last night we had a powerful storm here and iI have a special place in my heart for this town because I spent a summer living there at Ozark Christian College as an intern for Christ in Youth, (C.I.Y.), the summer before my senior year in college. I also attended C.I.Y., a week long event for high schoolers, all 4 years of high school with my youth group. We made great memories and experienced life changing moments with God on those trips. When I was an intern I worked with amazing people and it was an incredible summer. God is powerfully moving in that town through the people He is equipping and working through in that place. Please join me in lifting them up in prayer, that they might find healing, comfort, peace in the midst of a horrifying reality, and the resources needed for rebuilding their lives. I know many people in our country have been affected by recent weather related tragedies, and are all in need of powerful prayer and help from the rest of us.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

Wonderful Wednesday

2011-05-18T18:16:00.001-04:00

See, I knew things would start looking up quickly! Today I had quite the 'duh' moment when my one and only 10 yr old student was quite pleasant during school, and miraculously I was able to much better handle my physical aches. Hmmm....could the little Mr. Not-so-respectful have had anything to do with my emotional fall out yesterday?! Amazing how kids can have that effect. Just remember this little occurrence in several months when I'm all over the place emotionally once again!!! :)

Let's catch up on little baby wonderful, shall we???

How far along? 25 weeks today! Who can even believe it?! Well, it has been quite the crazy 6 months for me, but it is all of a sudden racing by. I often get a crazy adrenaline rush that feels like the night before Christmas! I'm sure that will only continue to increase. I find myself dreaming and praying a lot about the moment Kevin and I meet this sweet gift. Apparently baby's size is that of a large rutabaga. Um, raise your hand if you know what a rutabaga looks like!? That's what I thought. ;)

Movement: Two words for little Love: DANCE PARTY! The little one is having quite the fun time in there, especially when worship music that I'm singing is involved, when I'm sitting quietly in the afternoon, or when Daddy is talking. The afternoons have been quite active. So sweet. This week he/she has decided that lunch is not the favorite meal. I have thrown up the last two days immediately after I've eaten anything!!! Violently, I might add. Ugh. My back is toast at this point. But at least today I can totally laugh at the craziness. And I just love rubbing my big belly and seeing it move.

Maternity clothes: Love them. Comfy, comfy - and finally...clothes made to fit me! What an idea. (Or maybe now it all just works because my front goes with the back - ha ha). Shockingly, cheap clothes from Old Navy are my favorite and fit the best. Perfect for a girl who hates to spend money and doesn't have much to spend! I only bought a handful of things for our trip to Florida, and if the sun would come back out around here I would greatly enjoy wearing them again. And again and again...because I'm not buying a new wardrobe. So far my prediction of enjoying the summer sun while pregnant in maternity dresses/skirts is coming true. Ask me again at the end of July. ;)

Names: I mentioned quite awhile ago that we had decided on names and they are staying strong. I never in a million years thought that I, Miss Indecisive herself, would ever be able to choose a baby name by the birth day!! Yet God has an amazing way of answering prayer and providing direction and peace. We are super excited about either! Speaking of which...

Gender: Still not finding out...though I've had some moments thinking I'd go crazy from not knowing. We're so close now that I don't even want to spoil the surprise. I have come a long way with all that and no longer have an ultra sensitivity to people having strong opinions about what the baby is. Everyone has a 50/50 chance and noone knows, so it doesn't bother me. It takes me awhile to come around with this stuff. I am a slooow transitioner into new phases of life and get overwhelmed easily. I am super sure God is pleased with His choice, and I of course already am too!

Nauseousness/Cravings: I don't think you need any more details about my inability to keep food down very easily. But the nauseousness usually just comes in the morning or afternoon if I wait too long to eat or am too hungry. It's all so on and off again that I'm done with the analyzing. It is what it is and I'll take it! As far as cravings, they are totally week to week....hummus and pita bread, fig newtons, corn, tart frozen yogurt, Life cereal, MILK...all seemingly unpredictable and ever changing. I tire of things easily I think. And I still don't have an insatiable appetite...more heartburn and indigestion than anything else. But I am gaining enough weight, so that's good.

Marriage moments: I'm going to write a whole post about our sweet babymoon and include all our fun beach pics. Then I'll tell you the bliss that occurred during that week and a half, and how it was the sweetest time ever for Kevin and I. We squeezed the joy out of every second and every drop of sun. I have longed for it ever since I've been home. We saw the sunset on the beach 8 days in a row. JOY. The last couple of weeks have been admittedly exhausting as I've been sick and we've been readjusting to real life and work...and the log cabin. "Thank you Lord for your amazing provision of this cute place...but we are boldly asking for a place of our own soon." We are so ready. I don't know if I've mentioned it, (or if it's really necessary), but we don't have an oven, a full size fridge, or a washer and dryer here. It has all worked out just fine and I know we have more than enough and so much to be thankful for. But mommy and daddy are both starting to get a little antsy about finding a home to prepare for Baby Love. A practice of patience and trust that I know will pay off. My Father will provide, as He always does.

Registry progress: Really coming along actually! Thank you so much for your advice in one of my last few posts - very helpful. Since then I purchased and read Baby Bargains and have been researching my guts out - so much so that I'm ashamed to say it's kind of been the subject of my dreams several nights! But I'm starting to feel excited about my choices!! And I have two lists going - the super duper actual wish list, and the "back to reality/what we can afford back-up" list. We'll just have to wait and see how it all pans out!

Other than that, I'll see about getting some updated belly pics on here tomorrow. I totally just tried to take one of myself...did not work out so well. Ha ha. Sorry for the wordy, wordy brown and white. Just keeping it real.

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

2011-05-17T22:35:00.005-04:00

My grandma called to check on me today and said she "missed me," which translates into also missing my life through this blog! Sorry Grandma. :) I have been slacking and I'm aware...I'm SUCH a procrastinator when I get overwhelmed. Speaking of which...

I listen to this song at least twice a day lately. Emotionally, physically, mentally I am so in need of Him - at times it seems like now more than ever. I truly want to stay so positive during this pregnancy...because I am so humbled and so grateful. But it has been pretty rough physically lately. I've been fighting yet another cough, and between that and the occasional/semi-regular throwing up, plus my short waisted self, my ribs and back muscles are crying out for mercy. (Which I'm pretty sure will come with sweet Baby Love :) I'm learning a whole new respect and compassion for anyone who's in any sort of chronic pain...I know many people deal with so much worse and I should keep my complaining to myself. On weak days it really can get to my emotions, and today I finally broke down and told Kevin that I just need to have a bad day. So I did. I felt like God was inviting me to be honest so He could embrace me there. This past Sunday a sweet friend at church, (who's birthed 8 children and adopted 5!!!), encouraged me by explaining the time of pregnancy and everything that goes with it as continuously bringing your body and placing it on the altar for the Lord and what He is doing. I love that. What a good God...and I do surrender all of this to Him. How gracious He is for knitting together such a beautiful work in me. And how awesome is it that the little one just keeps kicking and flipping away in there, happy with the dark chocolate m&m's that mommy can keep down. :)

So there you have it. Today I admit this has been hard for me. Yet oh so wonderful and I love it so much all at the same time. A fascinating and fabulous experience. In just a few months I pray my aches and pains will be a distant memory...as I live my dream of holding my sweet precious baby in my arms. I'm SO excited about that moment!!!

Back from the Babymoon and a Special "Birthday"

2011-05-05T11:30:00.003-04:00

We are back from the best babymoon ever!!!! Kevin and I had the most wonderful, incredible, special 10 days...and honestly, it is sooo hard to be back today after flying in late last night. Reality is a difficult but necessary adjustment. We experienced God so much on this trip, and were just overwhelmed with His goodness and mercies. I'm in a little shock with the cool KY weather as we just spent 8 of the last 10 days enjoying the beauty of the beach. God is so alive to me through the ocean He created. We had some great worship times there. (And by that I mean literal singing on the sand and in the sea - loved it!!!) We also played in the waves, killed our frisbee record, explored the city, read a lot, talked even more, and shared great food. Once I download the pics I'll share some of our fun memories. So good to get away with the man of my dreams and focus on each other so much before the family fun begins!!!

Speaking of Baby Love, I am IN LOVE with him or her for sure! I can honestly say that I dream of and get super and equally excited about either a firstborn son or daughter. God has always known and I trust Him. For some reason I am finding I have a bit of an aversion to others having a definitive perspective on what gender the baby's going to be. I guess it just feels so weird...but I am learning to be graceful.

It is awesome that our sweet little one is on the move so much now...and it is helping me to feel like I'm really getting to know and bond with the baby, which melts my heart. Baby Love got so excited every single time we sat by the ocean. A heart like his/her mom (and dad!) for sure! The placenta must not be in the front (I read that somewhere), because several times this week we could watch my belly and see it bounce or one area move from a kick! It is so awesome...I laughed whenever I was reading a book and propping it on my belly and the book would move from the baby's movement. Cute! I have all kinds of beach belly pics and prego updates...but maybe tomorrow...because today...

is the CELEBRATION of the day I became baptized and born again 20 years ago!!! I was 10 years old and it was so special. I remember very clearly being desperate and so ready to surrender my heart and life to Jesus and proclaim my devotion to him! I'm pretty sure the congregation sang the old hymn, "I have decided to follow Jesus...no turning back...." as I was raised by my dad out of the water - the old was washed away and I was born brand new. And my life has never been the same. I would be nothing without my relationship with Jesus and my Creator. My devotion to Him is deeper now than it has ever been, and I long for everyone to know and experience the joy and hope of seeking after him and being excited about the promise of eternal life!!! Heaven is going to be something special my friends. A joy inexpressible. We are so loved! I was certainly reminded of that this week as I reflected on how high and wide and vast is the Father's power and His love for me. He has sought me, carried me, taught me, led me, held me, picked me up, forgiven me, pursued me, and embraced me...through great times and dark times. I rejoice in such an undeserved gift as my Savior. This is the crazy joy I write about. This morning I rocked it out on my way to work by worshiping to the Passion 2011 worship cd that my brother graciously shared with me. It's awesome. The following is a powerful song to play and sing loud and strong at some point today. I pray you are feeling Him carry and pursue you today. Run to Him, fall crazy in love, and never turn back!

Happy Thursday friends...you are loved!!!

Hosanna in the Highest!

2011-04-24T12:00:00.003-04:00

"After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.
There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”
So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him." Matthew 28:1-9

"Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:16-20

Carried to the Table

2011-04-23T23:55:00.003-04:00

I really wanted to post the song "Carried to the Table" by Leeland yesterday in honor of Good Friday. All week long I've been thinking about how the day Christ died is commemorated by being called "Good Friday." At the same time I've been faced constantly with my brokenness and weaknesses, and how on my own I can do nothing. And I am so thankful for the day that Jesus Christ became sin for me, was separated from God his Father, and surrendered his own will so that we might have eternal life, though we don't even deserve it. What was so terrible for him is truly good for you and me. How can we ever comprehend this unbelievable love the Father has for us?! It's unfathomable, yet I am overcome with gratitude for this incredible sacrifice that forever changes our eternity when we believe and follow Him.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love." Romans 8:38

I'm aware that to even begin to appreciate and honor Christ's goodness and the gift of salvation, we must first face our weaknesses and the sin in our own hearts. I recently had a conversation with a friend who finds it frustrating that people seem to only put their "best foot forward" online and make their lives seem like they're perfect, whether on Facebook or in the blog world. It made me think of how much I never want to portray that...yet it's often difficult to open up my brokenness to all and let others see my sin. I'd much rather come up with some eloquent words and sentences that focus on the "pretty" parts of my life.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Well, I'm here to tell you that I desperately need a Savior. There is a whole lot about me that just isn't pretty. The only good in me truly comes from Christ alone. On my own I am painfully prideful, insecure, judgmental, critical, and vain. I don't always build others up and I often speak in an unkind tone with hurtful words to my husband and those that I love. I can be easily angered and impatient. I struggle to not let others thoughts of me define my worth and thoughts of myself. I consider myself too much and I struggle with comparing myself to others. I've struggled with anorexia. I've struggled with emotional eating and being overweight. I struggle to be vulnerable and admit when I am wrong. I become anxious when I should trust, and I am often selfish when I should be putting others first. I have struggled with depression. I don't like to feel out of control and I struggle with sarcasm. I am forgetful and scatterbrained. At times I'm not even close to being a good friend. If you saw my home you would feel great about yours...because unlike many, it doesn't make me crazy when my home is not perfectly organized...but I often feel like I'm failing because of it. I used to keep my door closed in college and miss out on relationships because I was embarrassed by my inability to keep a tidy room.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

The list could go on...but the point remains...I NEED A SAVIOR. Any and all fruit and beauty in my life comes from God alone...anything that's good in me is all Jesus - I can take credit for nothing. My relationship with Him is the source from which anything I might be tempted to boast about comes from. He is faithful and gracious, full of goodness and mercy. I am brought to my knees by his forgiveness and redemption in my life. Because while I am so weak, He is always strong.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

Lately I've been listening to the following song often...and any facade I may portray is shattered by its truths. In honor of Good Friday and the day before Easter, I listen to it in remembrance of what my Lord and Savior did for me and for you...simply because of His great love for his children, His creation that He longs to live in relationship with. I reflect on my brokenness and his sacrifice today...and tomorrow I sing praises in honor of his resurrection and that he is alive! Death could not claim him and the tomb could not contain him - and now we too are victorious over it as well. What a day that will be when we can stand face to face with Him in heaven...or down on our knees in response to his glory...all because Jesus came, died, and rose again. All that we might live. We are chosen, we are called, and in our weakness, we are carried by He who is strong. Thank you Lord.

"Even in my weakness, the Savior called my name; in His holy presence, I am healed and unashamed." Leeland, "Carried to the Table"

And he said, "The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life." Luke 9:21

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Phil. 3:7-10

Your Great Name

2011-04-21T10:37:00.000-04:00

I am loving the song, "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant right now. Such a powerful worship song. I strongly believe in the power of praying in the name of Jesus, as the bible calls us to do. I love the line in the song that says, "The enemy; he has to leave, at the sound of your great name." It is true that the devil cowers in fear when we mention the name of Jesus or when we claim scripture out loud. This is something I've taken to a whole new level since I've been pregnant, constantly claiming this baby for Christ and casting out the enemy with the power of Jesus' name. Recently our church held their annual Easter pageant, and I loved seeing the depiction of when Jesus was tempted in the desert, (Matthew 4:1-11), and spoke scripture to drive the devil away. We need to remember the enemy that attacks us is a terrified coward. He knows he is defeated and weak, but doesn't want us to believe it. It's so important that we do not live our lives in fear but rather with the courage and power of the Holy Spirit. We have been given such a gift to have access to our almighty God and Father and we must claim this opportunity in our lives.

I will never forget the first time I heard Erwin McManus speak and he told a story about his son being scared one night when he went to bed. I think he was afraid of something in his room and he asked his dad if he would pray that God would take away the fear or the thing that was causing it. Erwin said something like, "No, but I'll pray that God gives you courage and power through Him to overcome and destroy it." I love the incredibly powerful perspective he taught his son in that moment.

We are already victorious in Christ, yet are often tempted to live in fear or believe that we can be defeated at times. We ask that anything that could cause us fear be taken away, rather than claiming Christ to conquer it. As Easter approaches, I encourage you to cling more than ever to the redeeming power of Christ and his resurrection, pray in the great name of Jesus, and believe in his power with a courageous boldness. Pray specific scriptures out loud for your life and your family, believing that God is who He says He is, and He will do what he says He will do.

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:5-11

Hello Monday

2011-04-18T13:26:00.003-04:00

Goodbye weekend, hello Miscellany Monday!

1. Girls' Weekend 2011. Yesterday I returned home from some wonderfully much needed girlfriend time. Several years ago God beautifully orchestrated a group of amazing women to come together for bible study, friendship, and simply doing life together in Cincinnati. We all came to the group at different times, but when we met we were all in early/mid twenties, not married, no kids. So we've been through a lot. Since then we have been scattered to different states and we are all 30 or over and in all kinds of different seasons of life. There has been some serious heartache and some beautifully answered prayers in that sweet circle of friends; times when we've stayed in touch well, and times when we've been less connected. Yet our friendships remain. It takes a long time to develop deep friendships when you move to a new area and go through some major life transitions like I did a couple years ago. Definitely some sadness comes a long with that. Needless to say, it was a joy to be together again for some time away. We all agreed that the friendships in that group are more like family, and it's just not something that can be recreated. Our weekend was filled with talking and laughing until our throats hurt, crying together, praying together, and eating some seriously yummy food. I think most of all we experienced how life giving it is just to have your heart heard, especially by the people who have seen you through much of that life that has carried you to this moment. Those friends are my soul friends - the ones who will cry with me in my darkest moments, rejoice with me in the best ones. We are prayer warriors for each other. I am so grateful. (And yet I took no pictures...little makeup, lots of pajama wearing...so I'll have to borrow a few from others and share them later!) Thank you friends for the fun time!!

2. Baby registry - advice needed! So after spending so much time with friends who shared all their baby/birth/parenting stories and pumped me up for mine, I came back ready to register. It's time to get ready for this baby! (Shocking as that may be to me!!) So Kevin and I went to Target, signed up to get one of those gun things, and tried to bust a move. Easier said than done. So I need some advice from you!! What are your favorite lists to work from? What store do you like to start at? Where should I register? (I'm thinking Babies R Us, Target, and Amazon) Kevin loves to have a plan, and I realize I need one! I've taken care of lots of babies....but never lived with one! :) Where in the world do you start, and how do you make the best choice on more specific items when a list just gives you generic ideas? Anyone still with me? Help!!

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3. Sweet surrender. Okay, when you are preparing for your first child, I'm finding that other people's birthing and parenting "war stories" can get me a little crazy if I let them. (Though at the same time I love reading every single detail of all your birth stories...I'm just so weird right now in real life!! :) Wondering what it will be like for me, getting overwhelmed with the unknown, hearing that "if you think you're getting big/uncomfortable/in pain now, just wait until you're further along!"....it can all get to be a bit much sometimes at this stage of the game. Of course no one is ill willed, just wanting to share their experience and help me prepare. I guess I like to live in denial for now. ;) If you're a bit of a psycho overthinker like me, you have to be very discerning about what to embrace and absorb. And I'm learning to simply surrender...one day at a time. I don't know if it's the pregnancy, hormones, or what, but lately I just desire quiet peace. Especially in my heart. Like resting in the calm before the storm, and just enjoying that calm. I want to experience the freedom of trust. Knowing that this peace and trust is a fruit of the spirit, a result of being connected to the vine, I know now more than ever I need to get connected to Him.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

4. A great idea! Recently I found an awesome idea in a Family Fun magazine. I don't know about you, but I just hate to throw away cards that people get me for any occasion. I'm just too sentimental. However my husband doesn't like the paper pile up, and doesn't think I can really enjoy them the way I have them stored. So in this magazine I found something that will change my life - making a book out of the cards! Seems so simple, but genius! I have lots of leftover metal rings from teaching, so I am planning on punching 2 or 3 holes in the cards, making a cute cover out of cardstock and maybe something sturdier, then putting them on a shelf or in a basket to enjoy....when I get all this out of storage of course! This will be wonderful to start out for my little person this summer!

Find this super cute idea and the source for this picture here!

5. Reading this and loving it - I was recently reading the blog, 1+1+1=1, and found a great resource about biblical parenting called Raising Godly Tomatoes. What's awesome is you can read the whole thing online. I know there are a million and one opinions on sleep schedules, godly discipline, etc., but I love what the author of this book has to say so far. I know that every child is different and what our baby will be like is unpredictable at this point, but I'd like to be somewhat prepared, and I know I have more time now than when I'm sleep deprived! If you've heard of it I'd love to know what you think. If not, check it out and let me know!

That's all for now. More to come this week like new preggo pics and how imperfect I truly am. Exciting, right? :) I know I fit a ridiculous amount of words into these posts - imagine talking to me in real life!!! Also, if I haven't told you enough, your kind words mean the world to me! I can't tell you what an encouragement you are - so THANK YOU!!!

I Like the Way You Move (Details at 20 Weeks!)

2011-04-14T11:22:00.002-04:00

(That's the log cabin!!)

(We decided on this night my belly totally looked like an Easter egg! Will we be painting it in a couple weeks on vacation?? Of course! :)

I am 20 weeks pregnant!!! Half way there, can you believe it!? We had our big ultrasound appointment Monday and stayed strong with our decision not to find out. Though that was a bit tough for me. The ultrasound tech was so sweet and let me ask a million questions. I told her how crazy it was that she is the only person in the world to know what we're having!
My sweet little dancer is having quite the party in me these days! It's the most amazing feeling. I would say if I had been confident about what I had been feeling that I felt movement for the first time around 18 weeks. A little kick or punch here or there. Then last Tuesday Kevin and I got mini blizzards at Dairy Queen, and while watching a movie I definitely felt Baby Love do some sort of swimming...it felt like a big bubble. Very cute and very exciting! (I think the strawberry cheesequake blizzard helped!)

Then came the ultrasound and seeing our precious baby!!! Wow. It was so emotional and wonderful and sweet. So neat to see how he/she has developed...and of course I think Baby Love is SOOO cute! :) It definitely made me want to hold and comfort him or her....though I know he or she is quite cozy and happy in there for now! We only got a couple photos of that sweet face because the little thing was being quite shy and facing my back most of the time. (I'll share those soon!) I just can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl...I do believe the surprise will be worth it, but the wait is hard!! After seeing the baby, then talking to the ultrasound tech/doctor about what makes him/her move the most as well as what that might feel like, I am very much more aware of the baby's movements. It's almost like I'm more in tuned to them because I saw the little one who's in there doing it! Crazy. And I love every second. I actually prefer to feel the movements as a reminder of my baby's life. So wake up little one!

I will say that these days I just want to let the tears flow. I understand the hormones will do that to you, but I also think it's by God's design. Letting your tears fall is so therapeutic, so natural to how God designed us. And they're such a reminder of our need for Him. I'm also not afraid to say I'm having strong moments of feeling overwhelmed lately. It's taking me a lot of energy to find something that I like to eat on a consistent basis. Still getting sick and feeling nauseous. And I'm so very tired. Both my mind and my body have definitely entered the mom world. I think a lot about being a good mom now and when the baby comes. There's so much I want to be doing more consistently. I'm also not at all a good shopper but in the next couple days I have to take the maternity clothes plunge. Reality has hit! I just so badly want to stay positive and enjoy it all. And truthfully I really am enjoying it in my heart - so fascinating and sweet, even if my body's having a hard time. :)

Other fun facts:

Weight gain: According to the doctor - 4lbs. According to me, (from the day I found out) - 8lbs.

Baby Size: Sweet thing is the size of a melon! (Maybe if he/she rolled up into a ball??) And the length of a banana!

Names: We have a boy name and a girl name, and I love them. I look forward to explaining their meanings and why we chose them to Baby Love. Isn't it crazy but fun how we all have such different tastes and ideas when it comes to naming children?! A special privilege for sure.

Nursery: I'm going for bright, whimsical, modern, and nostalgic. We'll see how that goes on a tight budget once we have a place to live!! Some of my favorite sites for inspiration are Oh Dee Doh, Project Nursery, Petit Collage, Etsy, and Layla Grace. The blog world is my best friend when it comes to help with this. Oh how I wish I'd been blogging when I got married! :)

Cravings: Food from one of our favorite restaurants that someone else prepares. Like a house salad with extra cucumbers, tomatoes, and croutons, with honey mustard and tangy tomato dressing, and a sweet potato and brown bread from Outback. Or crabcakes, mashed potatoes and warm bread from Mitchell's. Yum. Food prep and the smell of our own living space is the greatest challenge for me, unfortunately. (Not that we smell, but you know what I mean! :) Too bad this is the most budget friendly option!! And we've actually been living in other people's spaces since we became pregnant, so maybe this contributes??

Maternity clothes: My mom just got me some super cute tops and a pair of pajama pants. Just in time. Now I'm on the lookout for some cute skirts and dresses to live in!

Sleeping: Difficult. I have never ever slept on my side, so it's been a struggle for me. I also have crazy dreams. Last night I dreamt the baby kicked so hard that it's little toes came out of my belly. Then it crawled out the side of my stomach...and it was a baby doll with curly brown hair!! What?! No wonder I'm so tired and overwhelmed. Ha ha. I remember panicking and wondering if the doctor could put it back in to keep growing!

Other thoughts: We have been doing a lot of thinking and praying about the things we want to be most consistent with when it comes to our child. I think a lot about what I want our home to be like or the different routines I want to do with the baby. (Singing, reading, praying, etc.) We also started watching a 5 session dvd series called "Right From the Start," by Barbara and Dennis Rainey. We watched the first one this week and had a great conversation about the values we want to be the foundation of our family, and how we want to start discipling/training up our little one in the Lord. I know we'll have good days, bad days, and sleep deprived days, and always be in desperate need of God's grace to cover this!

Fun moments: The 20 week ultrasound, and the fact that my mom and grandma were able to come to town for it...feeling the baby move a lot more...wearing my first maternity clothes...having a sweet little 4 yr. old girl at church ask me what I was going to name the baby...having pics of our sweet Baby Love!!!

Verses I am claiming:

"Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'....your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:31-34

"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord." Psalm 150:6

Miscellany Monday

2011-04-04T16:40:00.007-04:00

I love that I am writing this post on Spring Break in the midst of a cozy, wonderful thunderstorm. This is one thing I love about spring!

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1. Wonderful news! Who would have thought that just a few short weeks after announcing I am pregnant, my sweet friend Cait from "the blessed life" would announce she is too!!! Last year she and I taught together, with our classrooms side-by-side. We shared many wonderful discussions about life, God, marriage, teaching, blogging, and the future. She has been such a kind and generous source of encouragement to me. Who would have thought that this year we would be expecting sweet little ones just six weeks apart! I am so thrilled for my dear, sweet friend, and I look forward to sharing more of this journey with her. Please hop over to her blog to celebrate with her and her hubby!

2. Still sick. This adorable bundle of blessing growing inside me is still affecting me with some seriously persistent nauseousness. Not the worst case, but enough to make it hard for me to eat large amounts of anything, or much of a variety. I'm kind of used to it though, and all along I've said I'll go through whatever I have to for this baby. Even if it lasts the entire time, I know it will come to an end when that new little life begins! More than worth it.

3. Log cabin living. While I am honestly enjoying the quiet, serene, and cozy log cabin living, my heart is going through some moments of serious wonder about where we'll end up. I'm loving this set up, but it is not long-term. Please pray that God provides a home for us at just the right time. I've not gotten anxious so far in this process, and I really don't want to start. I know that He will provide, and I'm looking forward to preparing and setting up for Baby Love in our own place.

4. Storytime. I think I've mentioned that my husband is part of the staff of a multi-site church campus, which is an extension of the main, much larger church in the area. Anyway, the campus launched in January, and while it's been a lot of work, it's been fun to build community there and invest in one particular part of the city. On Sunday mornings I have been the "storyteller" for the 3-5 yr. old's chapel or large group time. I tell the main bible story that the small group Sunday school teachers will reiterate with activities. It has been so much fun! I've quickly learned how good it is for me to have to get excited and silly in front of about 30 - 40 kids each week. I have loved seeing their amazement at Jesus' life and all the ways he loved others in the Bible and loves us now. It's also gotten me excited about stories with my own children, and I've been checking out some great sites with resources. One of my favorites is Hubbard's Cupboard. Lots of great info. for teaching little ones!

5. Go Butler! A born and raised Hoosier at heart, I LOVE March Madness!!! I get so nervous every year when I'm filling out my brackets, then quickly make my way to the bottom of the standings and toss it out! :) It seems like every game this year has been a great one - so much fun to watch. Though I am sad for my husband as his beloved UK team lost in such a bummer of a way. I am looking forward to tonight...hoping it's not a repeat of last year's final game. Hope it's a great game - Butler all the way!!!

6. Dreams deferred. Who remembers the post I wrote this time last year?? While my writing might not have reflected the depth of my feelings, that was an.awful.time. Many tears. Let me open your eyes to a little more of what went on. I, along with the rest of the staff had been waiting for a month to find out our new grade assignments, and it was extremely stressful. We were all anxious and on edge. I was desperately hoping to get kindergarten or first grade because I LOVE teaching that age...it was my dream. And I was eager to be done with the incredibly difficult first year teaching experience and move on to enjoying the second year with some experience behind me. Anyway, the Thursday before spring break last year, I found myself crying my eyes out in the principal's office when she had to let me go. (Yes, I am NOT fun to pink slip :) They did a re-organization of the school, went to straight grades, and with only 3 kindergarten classrooms, there were one too many teachers and not enough classrooms. Good-bye first year me. I was so sad and struggled with feelings of defeat, but I knew in my heart that God would provide. I told all my sweet colleagues through tears that He would use this situation to be glorified and show His faithfulness. And He definitely did. What a moment it was last summer when I was offered the home school job I now have. Such a blessing. It has certainly stretched me as all teaching jobs do, but with a much different stress than the administrative responsibilities of public school. I have thoroughly enjoyed working for this family. But oh, how I often miss those kiddos. I poured my heart and soul into my students. I do have days when I long to welcome 22 sweet little lives into my classroom to influence and learn from each day, but I trust God's plan. And what a joy this year on spring break be writing about my sweet baby love....a lifetime of the most important teaching and learning ahead of me. My ultimate dream. Needless to say, God has used all this to remind me that He is not a God of confusion. He can be trusted and He is for us even when we feel confused or sad out of our minds. Seek Him with all your heart, and courageously move where the Spirit leads!!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Adoration

2011-04-01T15:51:00.000-04:00

First of all, sorry I don't have a great April Fools' post to share with you...I just don't think I have the guts. :) I'll let Joy's Hope handle that one! Ha ha. Last year on this day I played hang man with my 3rd and 4th graders at the end of the day and told them I was pregnant. They were shocked, then laughed, then played the joke on all my teacher friends in our hallway. It was very funny. Who would have thought this year it's not a joke!?

So this week I saw on Facebook that my brother shared a link with a friend of a sermon by Timothy Keller. Because I respect my brother so much as a man, a follower of Christ and a pastor, I of course thought I would listen to it as well. Let's just say, it was life-changing for me. Seriously. So much so that Kevin and I listened to it together when he got home. I love simple yet profound messages. Keller is extremely intelligent and intellectual, yet is awesome at speaking practically. We've heard him speak one other time at a church planting conference, and I know he has written several great books that my brother has read. (That I need to read!) One is called "The Reason for God," and his latest is, "Generous Justice."

Anyway, the message really forces you to reflect on what you really adore in life, and where your heart's focus truly is. He helps you see, by studying The Lord's Prayer, that to have a true perspective of God and experience all other fruit, we must first honor and adore Him. At the end he talks about the pendulum of God as a holy God, and God as a loving God, in the realm of understanding the sacrifice of His son Jesus. It has seriously influenced my perspective and prayer life. I've even found that what we often think of as "praising" or "adoring" God is more along the lines of gratitude for what He's done for us rather than just reflecting on his holiness and who He is.

So I strongly encourage you to take some time this weekend and listen to this message -

Adoration: "Hallowed Be Thy Name"

Then, if you need a jumpstart on simply adoring Him, try this song...it's the one I've had on repeat all week and have been singing from my soul. Happy Friday!!!